I’m Pretending to Work
Slow day at work. I’m writing this so it looks like I’m very, very busy. That way people will think I’m being nice when I take a break from my “very important document” to help them. I’m projecting the illusion that I’m putting the customer first, when in reality the typing is just an alternative to staring blankly at the wall. My co-workers may think: “Oh Richard, you’re wasting company time and typing nonsense.” But I think people who try to bring you down with that kind of negativity are people you don’t need in your life.
Typing is fun. It’s cool to see words that I think in my head-brain displayed on a screen. It’s also pretty cool to see the plethora of red squiggles under every other word I type because my spelling is atrocious. It took me 25 tries to spell “atrocious” right. I also don’t do anything to help my poor spelling habits. Sometimes I’ll just throw a ‘J’ somewhere doesn’t belong for laughs. People may think it’s weird, but personally I find it hilarjious.
Anyjway, I almost feel bad about hammering nonsense into this keyboard while everyone else is hard at work. Unless, of course, everyone else is ALSO just pretending to work until they are assigned an actual task. It’s crazy to imagine 15 to 20 people all over the building hanging out, writing fake documents, thinking they are the only one not working. That most likely isn’t the case, but it makes me feel better about distracting myself so my eyes don’t permanently cross from boredom.
By the time you read this, it will be too late. My eyes have crossed from boredom. On the plus side, however, I can now see everything. It’s amazing. Is this what it’s like to be a bird? Or a dear? Or the government? Sometimes pugs have eyes that look different directions but I feel like that’s more from inbreeding and less from transcending the chains of traditional sight. “Transcending the chains of traditional sight” is by far the most dramatic thing anyone’s ever said about a pug. Maybe I’ll be in some sort of records book. Or maybe people will think I’m a weirdo and assume I live under a bridge with a bunch of pugs. If that were true, I would call myself: “Richard Pug-King, Lord of the Pugs” and I would be a loving king, but also rule with an iron fist. I’d probably wear a crown. It would be made of garbage I found under the bridge, but a crown none the less.
I once read/heard something along the lines of: “Why would a homeless person want to live in an apartment for $1,000 a month when they can live under a billion dollar bridge for free?” That quote really stuck with me because if you think about it, it makes sense. I mean, what is a bridge if not a giant apartment with humongous openings and everywhere is a toilet? That’s a really good deal for someone that loves scenic views. It’s also a good deal for people who enjoy stepping in other people’s pee all day. I bet it would get in your shoes and just sort of hang out there forever. Or maybe ferment into homeless people wine. Implying that pee can ferment into something called “Homeless people wine” is a gross train of thought and I apologize. This is why I understand when people are mean to me.
One thing about people that I do not understand, nor enjoy, is their obsession with the weather. Not meteorology. I’m talking about their primal urge to discuss the weather with anyone they see. It infuriates me. “Nice weather we’re having.” Sure, why not. “Sure is windy out.” Cool dude, thanks for keeping an eye on that for me. “Getting cold out there.” How romantic.
Why do they think I care about this? I do not. Nothing gives you away as being a boring person faster than trying to use the weather as small talk. Like, how hard is it to think of something else? Do you not have any thoughts? Or interests? Or opinions? I’m usually happy to start a conversation about things of substance, but if you try to start a conversation with “Rain happens sometimes” instead of like, oh I don’t know: “hello”, I’m already fed up with you. You’ve made an enemy for life and now we will NEVER get brunch.
I’ve always found “brunch” to be fascinating. On the surface I understand it as a mixture of breakfast and lunch. I believe the idea is to eat foods associated with both meals at the same meal. That may sound simple, but it gets trickier. You may be thinking: “Breakfast? Lunch? Have fancy people never heard of a diner? A greasy spoon, if you will?” However, I think the appeal of brunch is having it in a more upscale environment with more champagne and less people smoking in the kitchen. Do I understand the appeal brunch? Yes. Would I be interested in partaking in brunch? Also yes. Am I extremely jealous of people who partake in brunch frequently? Absolutely. Do I want to go to a diner with my Uncle Ted who can’t finish a story without using an outdated racist term? No I do not.
I don’t have an expertly written ending for this…whatever this was. All I have to say in closing is sometimes I get bored at work and writing this on the clock was the closest thing to getting paid for my writing I’ve ever gotten.
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