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I’m Running For President and It’s Not Funny
I can’t be worse than Kanye
I am the perfect candidate for president. I have no political experience, excel at insulting people, and always sport a fake tan. I don’t play golf (Is miniature golf okay?), but I have a dog that bites, and I can read off a teleprompter with 105% accuracy as long as I’m not crying. I also don’t take anything too seriously, which is essential in times like these.
Yes, I have some skeletons in my closet, but I don’t have children who will embarrass me in Daily Mail headlines with regularity. I can pardon a turkey at least once a week remotely. I will also write my own speeches, as long as no one minds if they all start with “Once upon a time . . .” because it calms me and sets a nice fairytale tone.
Since I’m an introvert, I will be a work-from-home president. This will enable me to save money on pants and not catch a cold from shaking hands with every bozo in the free world. See you on Zoom!
I asked the God of my understanding if I would be elected president, and this was the response:
