I’m Social Me Dear
Blade, one of the UK’s greatest philosophers once said, “Silence is better than bullshit.” How wrong he was. Although, in his defence, he said it back in 1995, before social media were invented proper.
Social media gives everything value.
Some say success on social media takes hard work and dedication. Fuck no. You just need to rock a shortcut.
“Word up, know what I’m sayin’? Clicks rule everything around me, C.R.E.A.M.”
Make the right choices and you’ll gather more hits than Beyoncé.
Choose strife, choose to twist the knife, choose to be rife with it.
Prejudice Pampering
Find a controversial figure. For example, someone who has toxic opinions, but hides behind, “freedom of speech.” Clearly oppose them. Then clearly oppose them again, and again and again. Go into great detail as to why you oppose them. Each, individual, unpleasant, detail. If they end up being censored, support the censorship by going into great detail as to why they were censored. Then repeat the reasons why again, and again and again. Every, single, unsavoury, detail. Internet folks won’t fully understand why these people are “a threat to society,” unless you amplify their voice.
Character Killing
Find a celeb in the news. Don’t bother with an original angle; simply choose a side in the heated debate around them. Remember, there are only ever two sides on social media, so choose wisely and choose the negative side. Write negatively about them. Then write negatively about them again, and again and again. Hell, why not bang out two pieces about them in the same day? It ain’t harassy; it’s simply constantly raising the legitimate issue of what a shit person you think they be, aggressively. It ain’t obsessiony; it’s simply consistently raising the legitimate issue of what a shit person you think they be, fixatedly. As we say in the UK, wank yourself silly.
Misery Magnification
Find an example of discrimination. Remind Internet folks why this form of discrimination is so despicable. Go in to great detail about the pain and horrors this form of discrimination inflicts upon its victims. Then write again, and again and again, in great detail, about the pain, and about the horrors. The more graphic the examples you can give, the better. Any writer can write about bigotry, however it takes real talent to persistently shove a readers face in the shite of oppression. If your comments section has folks expressing total despair, then job done.
It’s a dog eat dog world out there. So, remember, “Repeat Repeat, Compete.”
Video Drone
Alternatively, you may not be literary, you know, wordy. So make a vid of you dancing badly, doing a stunt (I said stunt) or falling over. Upload it, and should it become massive, say, “I genuinely can’t believe how popular it became. I put it on social media but never ever expected it to be viewed so many times.”
Another option is a ‘Reaction Video.’ However, for me, reaction vids fail the ‘Warehouse Test,’ as this dramatisation shows:
Dave on trucks: Eh mate, I wanna show you summut.
Me: What?
Dave on trucks: Come here a sec.
Me: What do you wanna show us?
Dave on trucks: Just come with me.
Me: This had better be good.
Dave on trucks: Stand there. Now watch me and how I react to Pete on trucks doing….
Me: Fuck off.
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