I’m Tired of You Throwing the Past (Yesterday) In My Face
Keep the recent past in the past.
Honestly, babe, we both have our flaws. I can be overly sensitive, I don’t always clean up after myself, and I banned you from ever speaking to any of your old high school friends. And then there’s your flaw, which is that you’re constantly reminding me of all the horrible things I’ve done.
You keep saying, “a large majority of the horrible things you’ve done happened yesterday”, and I’m no expert on time, but “yesterday” sounds like the past to me. It’s really unhealthy to hold a grudge, and I think you may need professional help.
Take, for example, earlier today when you were nagging me about, what was it, spending a large portion of our (your) life savings on collectible Simpsons memorabilia. Like, I did that yesterday, and for whatever reason, you thought it would be a cool girlfriend move to bring that up today? Do you know how hard that is for me? To have to remember that I put us into financial ruin so I could buy Simpsons memorabilia? But you don’t really think about me, do you?
Or like, on a similar whimsical note, should I have slept with your best friend? No, obviously I shouldn’t have done that. Should I have then gone on to raise a secret family with her behind your back for a decade? No, only an idiot would think that was a good idea — so that’s why it makes me feel so damn bad when you keep bringing it up! You need to let that whole thing GO. It started TEN YEARS AGO. Do you realize how insane you sound constantly bringing up something that started TEN YEARS AGO that you just found out about last Wednesday?
Let’s talk about gaslighting for a minute (one of my minor failings that you seem to LOVE to bring up). You’re not really going to be on American Idol. See, look at me! I’m being honest! I was the person who mailed you those letters telling you that I was from American Idol, and that we saw you singing online, and that we wanted you to skip the audition round and go straight to the finals. I understand that was messed up of me to do because the auditions are the hardest rounds to get through. But DON’T BE MAD AT ME! YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT SENTENCES AGO! WE’RE ABOUT TO MOVE ON TO A NEW PARAGRAPH, AND YOU NEED TO LET IT GO!
I think you have a problem, I really do. If you need me, I’m going to be over at your best friend’s house with our son, Eric. Yes, you heard that right, I’m not done spending time with my secret family and lover. So I guess that’s something I’m doing wrong in the present, but that sorta begs the question — what is the present anyways? Is it a collection of moments in time our brain is processing with a delay of a few milliseconds? Because if we can agree on that definition, it would sorta seem like you’re still stuck in the past.
Before I go, I want you to know that you’ve done a LOT wrong in your life as well. How about that time you were rude to me in 2005? I know you always say “I had a lot going on that night” or “that was the night my dad died” or “all I said was that you should stop texting during my father’s funeral” — but you know what? That was all really hurtful, and I’m still waiting on my apology.
Anyways, I got a letter in the mail for you today. Apparently you’re going to be on the Voice!
