Satire
I’m Tommy Lee From Hulu’s Pam & Tommy, And My Talking Penis Is Freaking Me Out
He’s driving me crazy.
Thanks for seeing me on such a short notice, doc. I guess I’ll start from the beginning. Just like every guy, I talked to my penis all the time. It was usually just bullshit guy talk, about what kick-ass slasher flick I just saw or who I was trying to bang. But he never talked back. I’d get the occasional nod here and there and maybe some grunts, but no actual words. I could tell when he was excited or disappointed, but he never said anything until I met that total babe, Pam. Once she moved in to my place he was talking up a storm. Like big time. And I’ve been freaking out ever since.
The first time I heard him I thought I was tripping out. Yea, I was blazed out of my mind, but while I was standing in front of a mirror, I said to myself, “Oh my God, I can’t believe that’s Pam Anderson in my bed.” Then I heard, “I know, right?” I froze and looked down between my legs. Then I saw my penis actually talking. He must have been speaking for five minutes as I freaked out and stared at him, frozen in fear.
And it hasn’t stopped. Last week, after one of my gigs, I woke up naked on the couch with the TV blaring. I turned it off and he yelled, “Hey, I was watching that!” I about had a goddamn heart…
