I’m Too Open-Minded to Waste My Time Watching the January 6 Hearings

No, I didn’t watch the first hearing. Why? Because I’m trying to keep an open mind, that’s why.

Let me know when the dems let a hardcore republican do some talking–maybe then I’ll tune in.

They did? She’s the vice chair?

Still.

Give me a holler when they let people in Trump’s administration get a word in edgewise.

Really? What did they say?

Actually, let me stop you right there. I don’t want to know. Whatever they said, I’m sure it was taken out of context.

Tell you what, I’ll start watching the hearings just as soon we get hearings for all the other problems we’re currently facing.

Gas prices, for instance.

What do you mean what about them? They’re high, aren’t they?

And did you know they’re now saying Blue, the cartoon dog from Blue’s Clues, is a girl? Even though he’s blue? This gender indoctrination has gotta stop.

And how about vending machine-related deaths? Over a dozen hangry people get squashed every year, but the mainstream media won’t tell that story, will it?

If we’re going to discuss what’s wrong with this country, let’s discuss it. All of it. We can start with gun violence. Wait, no, sorry. Scratch that. That was a typo. I meant to say bun violence. It’s a crime the way the number of buns in a bag never matches the number of hot dogs, am I right?

Look, all I’m saying is that we’ll never know for sure what happened January 6 because we weren’t there.

Yes, I realize the committee is interviewing people who were there.

Yes, I realize we have footage of that day–but how do we trust it? I mean, if the camera can add 10 pounds, what else can it add?

(Also, can I be frank? I’m a busy man. I don’t have time to sit through that awkward pause between the politician introducing a video clip and the clip playing. Until they fix that, count me out.)

I’m not saying what happened on January 6 wasn’t bad. I’m saying it might not have been bad.

I’m saying, what if it wasn’t bad? Have you thought of that?

The only way to know for sure, I suppose, would be to take a closer look.

And until we’re willing to do that, I won’t be watching the January 6th hearings.