The Haven
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The Haven

I’m Wearing the Most Masks, and I’m the Most Mindful

Don’t Forget to Like the Photo of Me Wearing All the Masks!

Ever mindful of being mindful in order to signal my superiority at mindfulness, I will now be wearing the most masks to prove that I can wear the most masks. If two masks are better than one like the CDC says, then surely four or five are even better still. As the most mindful person, I’m duty-bound to support all baseless ideas that sound good, like wearing a whole bunch of extra masks for… duh… extra protection.

There’s really no limit to how many masks you should wear, except for perhaps the number of masks you can carry. If you’re a big, strong man like me, you should be able to pile a couple of hundred masks on and lug them around just fine.

I’m an insurance salesman, so of course, I know a lot about science, which I last studied in middle school. That’s why I’m on the side of science, and it’s the right side to be on, even when there is no science. Soon there will be science though because they’re scientists and scientists create the science that I believe in. Science!

I wouldn’t dare question science, even the nonexistent kind, and neither should you. The only ones who don’t believe in science are those moron evangelicals running around hollering about God, who they made up to explain things they’re too dumb to understand. If only they’d make up some science like me, then they’d understand everything as I do.

As a Biden voter, I have the common sense to shrug off their ludicrous conspiracy theories and embrace all the science. Biden loves science just like I love science, and he makes sense of the common sense kind just like I’m making right now.

I have so much common sense, in fact, that I’ve decided to go in the most crowded room I can find and count masks. A dash of common sense and a sprinkle of assumed science tells me it’s safe to do that because all these masks I’ve stacked basically make me bulletproof.

When I find the person wearing the most masks — it might be two or it might even be three or four — whatever that number is, I will put on one more mask than that person because I am more virtuous than they are. Then I’ll be the safest, most superior person in the entire room. I’ll be sure to Tweet a photo so you can all heart it and also heart me for being the best at wearing masks. 💖

If one mask is good and two is better, then why stop there. I’ll wear so many masks I can’t breathe through all those wonderful mask layers.

You’d probably like to suffocate me but don’t worry; I’ll do it for you, smothering myself with a big pillow of masks all bunched together. When I’m dead I’ll definitely be the safest person ever, because a dead person can’t breathe even a single harmful particle.

Gee what a good person I am, always so mindful of whatever it is I think will bring me the most attention — like wearing a mask to Zoom meetings. Now I’ll be way more mindful than all those lowlifes only wearing one or two flimsy masks and letting all those yucky particles seep out the sides. I just know I’m going to get a ton of likes for my mindfulness in pointing out what bad people they all are.

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