Member-only story
I’m Your Neighbor Who Does Loud Chores All Day
I hope you like soggy pencil-eraser nipples outside your window
Mornin’ sunshine! That dandelion patch you call a lawn is getting a little shaggy, neighbor. Maybe I’ll just sneak on over while you and the Missus are at work and give it a quick trim. It’s no problem. After all, I mow my own kingdom every single day. My pappy used to take the switch to my backside if he ever saw a blade of grass tall enough to shake in the breeze. That’s why you were woken by the blessed reverberations of my 72" deck as I scalped stripes into my unnaturally green lawn.
God damn, it happened again! There’s grass clippings on my driveway! Who put those there? I’d better get my diesel leaf blower so I can scream them back to whence they came.
Of course, all this work doesn’t preclude me from having a lawn company come and blast semi-illegal pesticides onto every living thing on my property. You don’t even want to know what I’d do if I ever saw a single dandelion rubbing up on the silky side-boob of my Kentucky bluegrass.
Oh! Dry those tears on your Maxi Pad! The bees had it coming. If they didn’t want genocide by neurotoxins, then they wouldn’t have flown into my beer can that one Saturday in 1986. I saw on the news yesterday that they’re the real cause of global warming, so I’m doing you a favor!
