I’m Your Two-Year-Old Nephew, and I’ve Come Here to Fuck Up Your Shit
Do you have an expensive piece of technology I could vomit on? Preferably something that’s not insured?
Good evening, Uncs! Are you surprised to see me?
Yeah, my parents skipped town for the weekend. They couldn’t find a sitter in time, so they abandoned me at your doorstep. But don’t you worry about a thing — we’re going to have a blast!
There’s no point in trying to chase them down, Uncs! My folks are long gone! While you attempt to pull yourself together, I’ll be in your apartment running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Wow, your floors are super clean! It’s a shame I didn’t remove my muddy sneakers before coming inside. And look at this fancy furniture! I just want to rub my greasy fingers all over your stuff!
What’s that, Uncs? You want me to wash my hands? No can do. I’m not about that hygienic lifestyle.
Uh oh. All this running around is making me nauseous. Do you have an expensive piece of technology I could vomit on? Preferably something that’s not insured?
No? Well, okay. I guess I could regurgitate into a toilet. Could you carry me to the bathroom, Uncs?
Oh, no! I puked down the back of your nice shirt! I should’ve known this was going to happen. Why don’t you put me down and change into something fresh? In the meantime, I’ll explore your bathroom.
Hey, Uncs! With the help of a trusty stool, I discovered an enticing cabinet above your bathroom sink! Are the orange capsules in this cabinet filled with candy? They look like Tic Tacs to me.
I’m having a difficult time freeing the Tic Tacs from these capsules, Uncs. I’m going to throw them down your hallway in a fit of rage. No, no, hear me out — this is a good thing that I’m doing!
Welcome back, Uncs! I like your new shirt! Is everything okay? You look a little agitated.
What’s that? We’re going into the kitchen so you can make me dinner? What a lovely gesture! Just so you know, I’m super picky. The only thing I’ll eat is plain spaghetti with plain marinara sauce. While you prepare supper, I’m going to rummage through your cookware.
YOUR KITCHEN HAS PERFECT ACOUSTICS, UNCS! THE SOUND I’M GETTING OUT OF THESE POTS AND PANS IS PRETTY FANTASTIC! NEIL PEART, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!
Uncs, I know this bowl of spaghetti is meant for eating, but I think it makes a better hat! What do you think?
Oh, relax. I’ll be hungry for real around 10:00 PM.
Do I want to take a bath? Nah, I’m good, Uncs. I’m not bothered by the spaghetti that’s caked into my hair. On the contrary, I happen to think it’s a trendy look.
No, really, I’m serious — I don’t want a bath!
Alright, fine! But be warned — I’m a splasher.
That was some bath, huh, Uncs? Although, it looks like you got wetter than I did.
What’s that? You want me to go to bed right now? Well, I suppose I could retire early. But first, I must scream at the top of my lungs for at least two hours. It sounds nutty, but this ritual gets me into a cozy mood.
Ahhh, much better. I hope my wailing wasn’t too loud for ya, Uncs. Goodnight! I’ll come and find you when I’m hungry!
Hey, Uncs? I climbed out of bed! It’s 10:00 PM — I think I’m ready to eat that spaghetti! Where are you, Uncs?
Oh. You’re meditating.
Could you find it in your heart to take a five-minute break and feed me?
No? Well, then. Namaste.
You know what? Good for you. Taking time to decompress and reflect is incredibly important, especially in this day and age. Don’t mind me and my hunger pains. I’ll just be over here twiddling my thumbs while you try to achieve mental clarity.
What’s that, Uncs? There’s something noticeably different about the air quality? An unsavory aroma of some kind? Gee, I wonder what it could be.
Oh, wait, that’s right! I just shit my pants!
Meditate on that, Uncs.
