In Startling Revelation, RJK Claims Brain Worm Made Him Smarter
Making America smart again (MASA) is his goal as Health and Human Services Secretary
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., President-elect Trump’s pick to head the Department of Health and Human Services, has come out with a startling announcement: the brain worm that elicited ridicule on social media during his unsuccessful presidential campaign has made him smarter.
“At first, I was horrified to learn I had a brain worm,” RFK admitted. “I mean, who wouldn’t be? “A worm got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died. But after the initial shock, I decided it had made me smarter.
“Look at the evidence,” he continued, undaunted by the stunned expressions of journalists. “Asians are the smartest people on earth. I got my brain worm eating raw fish in Asia. Asians probably all have brain worms.”
In an attempt to strengthen his argument, RFK said, “If Biden had been able to acquire a brain worm, he might have done better in the debate, and then I wouldn’t be standing here.”
Part of his ambitious goal to Make America Smart Again is a plan to increase the presence of brain worms in the general population. “For those who don’t like sushi, I’ll advocate for raw milk and undercooked McDonald’s Big Macs,” RFK said.
“I’m having some hats made that say, MASA: Drink it raw and eat it rare.”
When asked if he thought such an unusual goal, along with the hats, would derail his confirmation, RFK responded, “Are you kidding? I’ll be a shoo in once they get through the sex scandals surrounding other cabinet nominees. You don’t see anybody with a brain worm having sex with 17-year-olds on hockey tables or paying hush money to women. My brain worm made me too smart for that.”
Disclaimer: This piece is satire. If you acquire a brain worm but don’t get smarter, don’t blame me.
