Indepen-Dense Day 2024
Will This Be Our Last?
Independence Day is a significant holiday in America because it reminds us of how important it is to have a day off from work. It’s an opportunity to share hamburgers and hot dogs fresh off the backyard grill with family and friends, some of whom we don’t even like. It gives us a chance to blow of steam by doing a few keg stands before lighting off fireworks. There’s even time to go to the emergency room.
With all of the fun, it’s easy to forget the true meaning of the day which, of course, is to celebrate our country’s independence. We also must remember that we wouldn’t have that independence were it not for the heroics of people like Will Smith, Randy Quaid, and countless others who defeated the aliens.
Of course, I’m kidding. Smith and Quaid were actors in the film “Independence Day,” which recreated that great moment in our history so that “Indepence Day: Resurgence,” could be made.
After defeating the aliens, Will Smith went on to became well known for slapping Chris Rock at the Academy Awards. As for Randy Quaid, well, I don’t really know for sure, but he might have gone crazy because he was probed too much.
We owe a debt of gratitude to our forefathers who did a great job preparing our country for the many challenges they knew would come. First, they created the Continental Congress which became famous for serving great coffee, danish, and some fruit for breakfast.
After breakfast, they wrestled with the next big challenge — how to order out lunch. But they had other challenges as well. For instance, they had to deal with their former king who was creating all sorts of problems such as making them drink tea even though the colonists had found that coffee was way better.
Our forefathers were prescient. They even anticipated an alien invasion thanks to an alert Thomas Jefferson who had just watched all four “Alien” movies. Some of our forefathers wanted to ignore the threat, believing it would never happen.
Some wanted to take a stand and fight the aliens but realized they’d be at a disadvantage since they only had single-shot muskets and cannons while the aliens had laser beams they had purchased from wealthy Jewish merchants. (This claim came from Continental Congressman Greene, who was the great-great-great grandmother of Majorie Taylor Greene and the only known transvestite member of the Continental Congress. Since then, of course, there have been many).
Eventually, our forefathers decided to give a resounding middle-finger salute to the King of England by creating the Declaration of Independence and establishing Independence Day as a national holiday to be celebrated every year on July 4th, the day before all of the tents selling fire works would mysteriously disappear.
But troubling times have returned to our country. The aliens were defeated but, apparently, they didn’t go away. Instead of quickly destroying us with their Jewish space lasers, they decided to play the long game. To do that, they planned on gaining control of millions of people. After minutes of fastidious research, I’ve learned how this happened.
First, they implanted the idea of Facebook into Mark Zuckerberg’s mind. Once Facebook was up and running it became resoundingly popular, mainly because secret messages were implanted in the code that turned off critical thinking and rational thought in anyone using it. Soon other social media platforms came about, like TikTok and Grindr, which made users focus all of their attention on cats and sex.
This tactic has worked exceedingly well. These alien-controlled people are everywhere. They are private citizens and elected officials all of whom can seem normal — until they start talking about the rotund, orange-tinged, man with a ridiculous comb-over that they worship.
This “man” is actually a creature created in alien labs and deposited on earth many years ago. (Fibers from his hair have been obtained and analyzed establishing the fact that it is stronger than steel but composed of material not found on earth).
Though he sometimes looks human, he has established that he is anything but — at least to the millions of people who don’t wear American flag jorts or listen to Kid Rock anymore. He has proven to be a lying, imbecilic narcissist who constantly strokes his own ego while belittling others. He’s a failed business man who has been indicted on 34 felony counts and who constantly steps on anyone who gets in his way.
These people have been programmed to believe that up is down, that good is bad and bad is good. Many profess to follow their lord Jesus Christ, the one who preached to take as much as possible, keep it from others, lust for power and control, and attack anyone who is different from yourself.
All of them will tell you that they love this country while they tear it down. They claim to be the “true” patriots as they cheer on their babbling, incoherent, leader who extols the virtues of authoritarian rulers in other countries and criticizes those who fight to sustain democratic forms of government.
The real threat to our country, to our independence and freedom, isn’t coming from aliens, a foreign country, terrorists, or from immigrants. It’s coming from millions of people who call themselves Americans. President Lincoln, named after the famous, high-end automobile, warned us about this by stating, “If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher.”
If we don’t act now, 2024 might have been our last Independence Day. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting in touch with Will Smith.
