Indistinct Chatter
A Beloved Treadmill Movie Reviewer Takes on the Academy
Since the start of the pandemic, I have watched and rated one hundred and forty movies in thirty-minute increments while exercising on my treadmill between five-thirty and six o’clock each morning. Before I push start on the treadmill, I crank the television volume to fifty-one, turn on the captioning and hope that I will be rewarded with a four-treadmill movie masterpiece.
Ten of the forty most recently rated treadmill movies have been honored with at least one 2022 Academy Award nomination. Leading the pack with twelve nominations is The Power of the Dog. I respectfully disagree with the Academy. The movie is a one treadmill rated insomnia cure that rewards those fortunate enough to stay awake with a surprise ending. The good news is that it rated higher than The Lost Daughter (1/2 treadmill) where the “action” centers on a middle- aged woman stealing a child’s doll. Don’t Look Up (2.0) was only slightly better mainly because of the “acting” performance of Ariana Grande playing a character based on herself.
The three hour perfectly captioned Japanese film Drive my Car (2.75) was promising at times with its mix of sex, murder and betrayal and it featured a stunning performance by a red Saab. Unfortunately, the story within a story about the preparation for a performance of Chekhov’s Uncle Vanya at the Hiroshima festival, proved to be too much intellectual fare for a morning jog. If you’re a philosopher that relishes a rollicking debate on grief and forgiveness, this film will be a rousing four treadmiller. Otherwise, you would probably prefer Bad Trip (.5), a comedy that wasn’t recognized by the Academy that features Eric Andre and his buddy getting their penises stuck in a Chinese finger trap.
In the musical category, West Side Story (2.5) was a rehashed one hundred fifty-six-minute slog that was a less realistic love story than those presented on The Bachelor where couples date for six weeks before deciding to spend the rest of their lives together. After seeing Maria for the first time at a dance, Tony decides that he wants to be with her forever. He makes this decision before even being invited by Chris Harrison or Jesse Palmer to spend a night with Maria in a fantasy suite. Tony did, though, provide what would have been the most dramatic “hometown” in Bachelor history as (spoiler alert), he was killed by one of Maria’s family friends.
The singing and dancing gangsters were far exceeded by tick tick BOOM which earned an enthusiastic perfect four treadmill rating. It was creative, original and a true love story consummated not in a fantasy suite, but on a Broadway stage.
Nightmare Alley (2.5) starts off promising with Bradley Cooper as a mysterious drifter that joins a carnival and falls in love with Molly who electrocutes herself for a living. They start a new mentalist act together, but Cooper’s bleak future is revealed when his co-worker, Zeena, offers a free tarot card reading. The reading does not turn out well for Bradley nor for those hoping to enjoy a higher-than-average treadmill movie experience.
In the treadmill biography category, King Richard (3.0) was a revealing study of how Serena and Venus Williams were shaped by their father and The Eyes of Tammy Faye (3.5) was both entertaining and enlightening in its portrayal of the often- caricatured preacher.
I was most pleasantly surprised by the imaginative, colorful and flat out enjoyable Free Guy (3.5). I am crestfallen that the only nomination it earned was for Best Visual Effects. I have been told by a source with no knowledge of the Academy’s internal deliberations that the Academy made a mistake and meant to honor Free Guy with twelve nominations and to send The Power of the Dog packing to a screening at the next Hiroshima festival.
In non 2022 Academy nominated fare, the big loser was The Humans (0), a poorly lit, uncaptioned, depressing treadmill movie with hard to follow dialogue. It is based on a Tony award winning play and was described in the reviews quoted in its trailer as “masterful”, “brilliant’, ‘beautiful” and “remarkable.” My response is simply wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. It was a complete disaster. Maybe the reviewers quoted enjoyed a luxury movie going experience that included an IMAX screen with enhanced sound and lighting while sipping on champagne and sampling caviar. Unfortunately, the average sweat soaked treadmill viewer with a water bottle and towel will find the movie to be a dark unintelligible mumble fest.
Clint Eastwood and Tom Hanks each made a movie about returning a young child to their respective families. Clint’s Cry Macho (.5) was laughable as the ninety-one-year-old former rodeo star is tasked with going to Mexico City and bringing back a thirteen-year-old boy against the wishes of his mother and her “henchmen.” Clint does battle with an assortment of bad people and successfully delivers the boy back home. I am fortunate to have a clear frame of reference as I have an independent ninety-one-year-old mother who could no doubt take an Uber to Target, purchase a blender and some toilet paper and then safely Uber back home. But I think the odds would be long on a successful rescue trip to Mexico.
Tom Hanks is more believable in The News of the World (2.5) as the former confederate officer must return a young kidnapped girl back to what’s left of her family. On the journey, Tom runs into bad people and “henchmen.” He not only successfully battles the forces of evil, but when confronted with the reality of the girl’s situation ends up adopting the child as his own. An unconfirmed Hollywood rumor is that Clint is currently in production on Cry Macho 2 where he will try to surpass Tom’s heroics by adopting young twins that are left abandoned near his ranch by a down on his luck rodeo clown.
In The Tender Bar (3.5), a nine-year-old boy (Daniel Ranieri) comes to terms with his absent father while learning about life from his Uncle Charlie (Ben Affleck) who owns a bar. In Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (4.0), a nine-year autistic boy (Thomas Horn) comes to terms with his father’s (Tom Hanks) death on 9–11. Although the movie is crushingly sad, the lengths that Sandra Bullock goes to help her son is inspiring. Since Daniel and Thomas were both excellent in their roles, for the first time in treadmill awards history, there are co-winners for the best treadmill acting award. Please join me in congratulating Daniel and Thomas for this incredible career achievement. Thomas parlayed his successful experience with Tom Hanks into the starring role in the prestigious Hallmark Channel’s epic production of Space Warriors (unrated), while Tom Hanks parlayed his successful experience with Thomas Horn into the instantly forgettable Hologram for the King (2.5) and a pivotal cameo in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (2.5).
Jewish life was well represented in the current batch of treadmill movies. In Here Today (2.5), Tiffany Haddish belts out a Janis Joplin tune at Billy Crystal’s granddaughter’s Bat Mitzvah. For Your Consideration (2.0) tells the behind-the-scenes story of the filming of the fictional low budget drama Home for Purim. Finally, The Holiday (4.0), is a treadmill treat that features Kate Winslet enjoying a Hanukah party after swapping homes with Cameron Diaz.
Action movies included Scarface (2.0), where Al Pacino watches his friend graphically lose his life in a chainsaw attack, Mr. Brooks (3.0) where Kevin Costner successfully passes down his serial killer gene to his daughter and Gangs of New York (2.5) where in several grisly scenes Daniel Day-Lewis shows why he is known as Bill the Butcher. Cameron Diaz in her role as the butcher’s love interest would have been better served if she had called Kate Winslet to see if she wanted to swap into her role since the Kate Winslet character from The Reader (2.5) would have been a perfect match for Bill the Butcher.
Pierce Bronson thoroughly embarrassed himself in The Misfits (1.0). I would comment on Tom Cruise’s futuristic thriller Oblivion (2.0), but I wasn’t smart enough to understand the plot. However, it did have subtitles, many brightly lit scenes and also starred Morgan Freeman, who brings with him an automatic treadmill rating point.
Minari (1.0) was nominated for six Academy Awards in 2020. The only winner was Youn Yuh-jung who grabbed the Best Supporting Actress award for her portrayal of the grandmother of an immigrant family. While the movie was a snoozer, I agree with the Academy in recognizing Youn. In my treadmill review notebook, I subtitled this movie as Grammy Burns Down the Barn.
Comedies included the horrid Zola (.5), Top Five (2.0) and a series of harmless romcoms, Lovehard (2.0), Marry Me (2.5) and I Want You Back (2.0). I am thankful that the latter ended with eight minutes of treadmill time remaining as I was able to watch all the credits and learned that the job of “standby set painter” was admirably handled by Jennifer Smithers. I am hopeful that Smithers continues to progress in her career so I can have the opportunity to enjoy her painted sets in many upcoming treadmill movies.
Jennifer Lopez’s co-star in Marry Me was Owen Wilson. Although it was a stretch to believe that the pop star played by Ms. Lopez would randomly pick a single dad in the audience to marry because by a wacky coincidence his daughter handed him a sign that said “Marry Me,” the movie was ruined since I knew from my intense daily readings that she was really canoodling with “Uncle Charlie.”
While it is not fair to hold a movie series to the excellence of the Kissing Booth trilogy (previously reviewed), the set of four Hunger Games movies were extremely treadmill friendly. Although the series was a bit uneven, the initial Hunger Games (4.0) has been elected into the treadmill movie hall of fame. I am hopeful that Katniss Everdeen will inspire us with a few words at the upcoming ceremony.
On the evening of the Academy Awards, I plan to step onto my treadmill in a tuxedo and a pair of black running shoes. While my morning movie treadmill friends Clint, Tom, Ben, Jennifer, Cameron, Pierce and Kate nervously take their seats, I will turn on my television, set the captioning and start the treadmill rolling. The caption “Indistinct Chatter” will soon flash across my screen to begin a magical celebration of treadmill movie excellence. As the awards are announced, amid the speeches and applause, I will already be looking forward to next year’s ceremony when the Oscar for best treadmill movie set painter will hopefully be presented to Jennifer Smithers.
