Interrogation Transcript of Couple Who Vandalized Modern Art Worth $400,000 Because They Thought It Was a Community Piece
“Mr. Kang said the staff at the mall noticed on March 28 that the painting had been vandalized, and identified the couple by checking security footage. The couple were arrested but released after the police determined that the vandalism was accidental, the local news media reported. Mr. Kang said the couple told the police that they had thought the artwork was open to public participation.” — New York Times
What? No, I didn’t think that painting would be worth $400,000. Is it? Oh Lord. We don’t even have that kind of money. Are we being asked to pay for it?
Those guys hadn’t put it up for sale.
But there were paint brushes and cans lying around the painting.
Yes, and so, we thought it was a community piece.
The kind where we walk up to the painting and dab in a few strokes of our own. We thought it would be a fun couples’ activity as well. Living in this pandemic’s been tough for both of us. On top of that, I’ve had to see my boyfriend without his pants much more often than I would’ve liked. I read on the Internet that these kinds of things really help you bond — the painting, not the nakedness. And since my partner attends online therapy without his pants too…
What’s wrong with me not wearing pants? You don’t wear a bra at home either.
Nothing’s inherently wrong — there’s just a limit to how much I can see you without pants when not in bed. And it’s not my boobs that dangle off the edge of your boxers all day.
Well… Umm… We’re going to have a talk about this when we get back home. (You could have told me earlier.)
(I’ve never exactly felt comfortable talking to a man who’s in his briefs.)
(Oh, so is that the reason you’re so silent during sex?) Well either way, we won’t be bothering the Officer here. He’s on an all-important assignment, after all.
Exactly. So where were we? OH GOD, NO. I’m not a fan of that insinuation, Officer. We weren’t trying to make boobs on the painting — we added in THREE blotches, after all, not TWO. That’s distinctly un-booblike.
Maybe the third boob belonged to someone with a fourth boob, but the fourth boob got buried underneath all the other boobs which were already there?
Honey, I don’t think all of those strokes are meant to depict boobs. I mean this blot here could very well have been… Oh, that’s just another one of the strokes we added to the painting. My apologies.
You know, Officer, I was reading about this in the papers. One of the critics has suggested our very own act of vand — artistry is an extension of the street art the original painter was satirizing.
And how much will it take to cover up the mistake anyway? Not much, I suppose. DID YOU JUST SAY NINETY THOUSAND DOLLARS!?!?!?
Umm… We aren’t actually going to be made to pay for it, are we?
We could paint over our mistakes, if you want. I don’t think anyone would notice the difference.
I mean, with that logic, you guys could keep the painting exactly the way it is right now and no one would notice anything’s amiss.
Maybe… we could be credited for it as well? You know, on that plaque kept right next to the painting, which we failed to notice the first time.
But if no one’s going to notice, what’s the point of getting our names on it?
I mean, it’s better to have our real names out there, rather than being known as ‘the couple who drew boobs on a masterpiece’… Wait a minute. Now that I look at it closely, doesn’t this blot look just like a penis?
Honey, I think you’ve actually been around my boxers for too long.
