Interview With a Neuralink Monkey
He Was the Only Survivor so This Interview is EXCLUSIVE
For the purpose of accuracy and integrity, the original answers to my questions will be written verbatim from the mouth of the ape followed by an English translation, unabridged and uneditorialized.
James: So, Mr. Bananas.
Paul: Ooh ooh ah! (Please, Mr. Bananas was my father. Call me Paul.)
J: Oh, of course. So, Paul, you spent 6 months working for Neuralink as a test subject. How did you get into that position?
P: ooh ooh ooh ah ooh egh ah ah, aah! ooh ooh ah! (Well, I was pretty down on my luck, so when I saw this job posting on indeed, I just went for it and they got back to me before my local Popeye’s did, so I went in for an interview and they hired me on the spot.)
J: Mmm. I see. So, how long was it after they hired you before they put the chip in your head?
P: egh ah ooh ooh ah ooh ooh, oh! ah egh ooh ah ah ooh! (Actually, when I was first hired, I was a janitor. Can you believe it? After about a month of mopping the floors for these silicon valley jack offs- oh sorry, can I say that?)
J: Oh of course, please, don’t hold back. We’re uncensored and unwoke around this office. Don’t spare me any details, my simian interviewee.
EDITORS NOTE: Uncensored and unwoke? Simian interviewee? I’m making a fool of myself. Sorry Paul.
P: Oooh ooh oh ah oh ah ah ah! ooh ooh ah ah! (Oh that’s wonderful to hear. So I was a janitor at Neuralink and then after about a month, they offered me a position as a monkey with a chip in my head. I figured it would be a step up from mopping yogurt off the floor. They told me I’d be playing pong with my mind, that’s pretty awesome. And they spilt a LOT of yogurt on the ground.)
J: A lot of yogurt?
P: Oooh oh ooo ah ah ah ah ah ooh egh ah aoooh! (Yup, a lot of yogurt. Like easily 20 yogurt spills a day. They didn’t spill anything else. Just yogurt.)
J: That’s some hot gossip from the inside, Paul. I like it. So, you took the position as a monkey with a chip in your brain. Tell me a little bit about that experience.
EDITORS NOTE: Why did I say hot gossip? That was really weird, sorry Paul.
P: OOh ooh aoHAOO oaohoo! (I’m really not supposed to, I had to sign an NDA when I started. I probably shouldn’t have even mentioned the yogurt thing. Could we get that scratched from the record?)
J: Of course, I’ll be sure to scratch that.
EDITORS NOTE: I forgot to scratch that, sorry Paul. My uncle is a lawyer though and he’s really good so if you get in any trouble let me know. He studied under the guy that got OJ off. I mean, not get him off, I mean, you know what I mean.
J: So, can you tell me a little bit about your relationship with your boss, Elon Musk?
P: Oooh ooh eh egh ah ah oo oaho aoh! (Oh Musk? Me and him go way back! We met at summer camp back in ’85. He would always use his blood emerald money to buy me bananas from the camp store. We had a bit of a falling out close to the end of my time at Neuralink. It’s not why I left, but it certainly didn’t make me want to stay.)
J: Can you tell us anything more about this falling out?
P: Ooh egh ah ah ah oh ooh! (Well, his experiments killed a bunch of my friends. So, ya know, not super easy to let those bygones be bygones.)
J: Oh yeah. Sorry to bring that up.
P: ooh ah! (No man it’s cool don’t worry)
EDITORS NOTE: It was not cool. Sorry Paul.
J: Well Paul, we’re almost at time, is there anything else you’d like the world to know about you or your time at Neuralink?
P: Ooh ooh ooh ah a ooh h hoh ao oh! (World: I’m more than just a guinea pig. I’m more than just a monkey. I am Paul Bananas. I promise, I will continue to educate the world on monkey rights and advocate against the inhumane treatment of apes, monkeys, primates, and simians across the world. Paul Bananas is here to fight for you!)
J: Inspiring. Truly Inspiring Paul. Now I just have one final question before we wrap up. Where would you place yourself on a scale of Curious George from Curious George to Mojo Jojo from Powerpuff Girls?
P: Ooh. Ooh ah ha oh eh aoh ohaho ooh OOH OOH OOH AH AH! (Really? After that speech you’re gonna ask me to compare myself to cartoon monkeys? I’m an activist! I will not be humiliated and dehumanized like this!)
J: Woah! Looks it’s more of a Mojo Jojo! Hahah- AAH AAH AH AH AAAH PAUL NO AAAAAH I’M SORRY PAUL STOP PAUL STOP IT AAAAH-
EDITORS NOTE: At this point in the interview, Paul threw his feces at me and then proceeded to rip my face off of my skull, Travis the Chimp style. Be sure to see Paul’s appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! This Thursday at 11:35pm EST. Sorry Paul.
