Interview With a Potential Employer If They Were My New Date, Jacob from Hinge
The job market is the new dating scene and I’m your Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Hire me!
Thank you for coming in to interview. Let’s start out simple, why are you a good fit for this position?
Thank you for the opportunity! Ya know, I feel as though I’ve reached a point in my self-therapization and manic-journaling where I’ve ascended above the blasé attitudes that plague today’s work scene. Everyone keeps telling me that I’m “supposed to have fun in my twenties” and “bounce around to different jobs to get a taste of what I like.” And maybe that works for some people, but not for me. I guess I’m just different from other girls.
What is one of your weaknesses?
Hm, if I had to pick a weakness it would probably be the boiling resentment I hold toward my father for leaving me at the age of 7 and how it has manifested as both an insatiable yearning and irrepressible contempt for male attention and companionship. Does that answer your question?
How would your past employers describe you?
My past employers would probably describe me as super chill. Whether that means taking a call at 11pm and dropping everything to come into the office, onboarding new employees to share responsibilities with, or role-playing innovative sales tactics published on a niche part of the internet that’s blocked by a paywall… I’m a very devoted employee. Unless you lie to me! Then I’ll slash your tires and spread a rumor that you have Gonnorhea. Ha ha.
What are your yearly salary expectations?
I’m not typically this presumptuous, but in honor of the year of speaking my truth I’m gonna say it: $35,000. GAH! I hope that’s not asking too much. Please don’t mistake my forwardness as a sign of disrespect or ignorance of the arduous burden that is being an entrepreneur. Just yesterday I was listening to the “MEN for BENjamins” podcast episode about the unrealistic demands society places on corporate leadership to pay its staff livable wages. So I get it. And I know your job listing mentioned you’re looking for an unpaid, full-time employee, so it’s probably unfair of me to put you in this position. But I know that if I persist with my relentless overbearingness, around-the-clock availability, and fear of confrontation, in 12–18 months you will want to promote me to full-time status.
What do you like in a work environment?
That’s quite an invasive question for a first interview, Mr! HA! I’m totally kidding. You’re so stupid. WHAT? I mean I’m stupid. Great, now I’m blushing and you’re thinking, “This girl’s complexion sure looks a lot less even-toned than her profile suggests!” And you’d be right because I edited that photo. Where was I? Oh, let’s just say I’ve had my fair share of miscellaneous jobs. Shit, that came out wrong. I just mean that I’m experienced so I know what I’m doing. But not too experienced where I’m… overused? I’m wearing a turtleneck.
Do you have any questions?
Thanks so much for asking, that’s seriously so sweet of you. My main question would be, when should I expect to hear back from you? I know you said you would call, but the last person I interviewed with also said they would call and then they never called. HAHAHAHAHA. Don’t you just hate when people do that? Like if someone says they’re interested, they should follow up, right? Only a sociopathic, narcissist would put a person through the emotional turmoil of an interview only to ghost them afterward. Don’t you agree???
I’m sorry that you’ve had those experiences, but I don’t think it’s fair to diagnose strangers with personality disorders based on a second-hand description from someone I just met.
Are you gaslighting me right now? I can’t believe this is happening to me a third time this week. Look out Aries-rising women of Los Angeles, misogyny is working overtime! You are JUST like my last boss. God forbid a woman expresses herself, then she’s immediately labeled as crazy or a bitch or “a literal manifestation of Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada if she had no talent or fashion sense.” I should’ve listened to my mother when she told me to work for a female-led company. At least then I’d get fucked over properly.
Okay, that’s enough. This interview is over.
Now you’re going to call in one of your excel-sorting sluts to escort me out? I would think long and hard about that because I have about three dozen under-paid, over-caffeinated, women in my phone who are just itching to scapegoat their internalized rage onto virtually any upper-level schmuck, via a well-articulated but entirely fraudulent TikTok about how you insinuated sexual violence with your gaze. Have you ever experienced the unhinged wrath of the terminally online? Do you understand what a meme-noir is? It’s not flattering, stylistically, or content-wise.
Are you threatening me?
To threaten you would mean that I cared. Actually, this whole interaction has made me realize that I don’t care about any of this at all. In fact, I HATE marketing! Wow, that feels so liberating to say out loud and not just through grunts on the shoulder press. Is this the spiritual climax my guru was talking about? Either that or the cocaine bumps I did before this in the bathroom are finally hitting. Whatever it is, I’m positive that this moment in time has irreversibly changed the trajectory of my life forever. Is it possible to get turned on by your own potential? I guess that’s how men feel all the time, huh. Can I hug you?
No!
Ok, I’m gonna hug you.
Excel-sorting slut, GET IN HERE!
