Interviewing God About the Pandemic, the Duke of Edinburgh and CNN
Before we begin, Mr Mighty, I’d like to let you know that I’m a huge fan of yours. Growing up, I had posters of you everywhere in the house. My father even bought your bestselling book and kept it on display in the living room…
I know, son.
Because you’re omniscient?
Let my methods remain a mystery, and my morality incriminatingly ambiguous. But yes, I do possess all the knowledge there is to know across the ten realms. I don’t pay attention to most of it, though.
I’m glad to hear that, Mr Mighty. I hope you’ve never bothered to check my Google hist —
Please, call me God. Some of my earliest children gave me the nickname of ‘All Mighty’ after they watched me land a three-pointer from the other side of the Universe. I’ve always thought of it to be too fancy. The nickname, I mean, not my three-pointers. I’m a fucking legend when it comes to shooting free throws.
You must be an expert on the matter, God. But there’s something else I’d like to discuss with you…
What’s the hurry, my friend? You’re in the Afterlife now–you’ve got all the time in the off-world to ask your questions.
I’m sure you’re being figurative as usual. Back on Earth, people are slowly starting to realise that you tend to go a bit over-the-board with your metaphors…
What do you mean?
You know, about things like Adam and Eve. Or most of the Old Testament.
You guys think the Old Testament’s meant to be taken metaphorically?
Isn’t it?
My Angelawyers have asked me not to make any comments about the matter. Especially when I’m on the record.
Umm… It’s not my domain of expertise anyway. I am getting out of the Afterlife, though. Right? My employers contacted the Evangelical Embassy for a one-week visa only.
And what’s your legal name?
Journalistic Integrity Jr.
Let me check the records. I think there’s been some sort of a bureaucratic mix-up here. Print Journalism, Free Media., this, that… ah yes! See the paperwork? You’re officially dead, just like them.
What? I thought I’d been sent on an assignment to get your views about the pandemic.
Who sent you on this ‘assignment’, if I may ask?
CNN.
I knew it. They booked a ticket to send D. Ssent my way after 9/11 too. He put up quite a fight, said it’s ‘in his name’. But coming to Heaven is a one-way ticket. Poor guy didn’t even get to say goodbye to his family.
So, I’m stuck here till eternity comes around?
Only till you’re assigned permanent residence, either here in Heaven, or down there… The Devil’s a real pain in the ass. I wouldn’t recommend meeting him. Not that you have a say in the matter anymore.
Where am I going after this?
Once we’re done with the interview, you’ll be taken to the Processing Office for your appointment with Judge De. Full first name: Judgement. He’s a Bengali guy — and a fantastic judge of character. You can either be processed within a minute, or it might take up to a month. It all depends on how morally ambiguous you were when still alive.
I’ve always been fair to those around me. I suppose I’ll get through to Heaven.
Wait a second… Now that I think about it, I’ve seen you on TV, haven’t I?
You must have. I’m the one with that catchphrase — “There’s two sides to every story!”
Oh… You’re that guy, eh?
What’s wrong? You remember me as if something’s wrong.
No, no… I was just wondering about your time with the BBC. What exactly was your stance during the Brexit debates?
The same as always — “There’s two sides to every story”.
Ah, I fear you’re going to be in Processing for a long time. Your love for presenting the idiot’s side on national television hasn’t gone down well with the Karma Accountants in recent years. Plus, De’s already buried under paperwork trying to figure out what to do with that Philip guy.
Are you talking about Prince Philip?
Yes, Mr Integrity Jr, I refer to the Duke of Edinburgh himself.
He still hasn’t been processed?
No, it’s really become a neither-here-nor-there situation. On the one hand, he was an irrelevant racist with his roots spread all over Europe and its imperialistic missions. On the other hand, his family’s been a long-time friend of mine.
Maybe I could earn some last-minute points by filing the story I thought I was sent to cover in the first place…
Yes, of course. What had you come here to talk about, again?
The pandemic.
Oh boy, it’s been quite some time, hasn’t it? I guess you’re here to file a story for one of those ‘Hundred Years Ago’ columns or something. The Spanish Flu was a notorious invention made by the Devil’s Advocates down in Hell, but I thought Humanity did very well to pray and take cont —
God, I’m here to talk about the current pandemic.
I beg your pardon?
You know, the COVID-19 pandemic.
COVID-19? How did you know about that? I thought the virus never made it out of the prototype stage. My angels were working on it in my secret labs down in China, but I asked them to stop when COVID turned out to be too deadly to let postmodern capitalism kill your kind instead…
You haven’t been watching the news, have you?
Of course not, I feel too dreadful keeping up with it. Wait… Should I?
I think you’ve missed quite a bit of the recent headlines.
In all fairness, it hasn’t been the same since you passed away.
Does that mean … you’ll put in a good word for me at Processing?
I’m sure something can be arranged. Let me pull up my phone to check the news, though, before I send you on your — OHSWEETJESUS I JUST CHECKED WIKIPEDIA WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON DOWN THERE MISSION CONTROL SEND A VACCINE MIRACLE TO EARTH AS SOON AS YOU CAN —
Abhijato Sensarma is an eighteen-year-old student from Kolkata, India. He’s on the verge of stepping into the real world — which does not stop him from making fun of it whenever he can. You can reach him on Twitter.
