Is Going VEGAN Right for You?

“Greg, just eat the sausage,” my co-worker entreated me. I strained my ears to hear any audible sign of alarm, clinching the armrest of my desk chair. I glanced up at the television in our office but it was business as usual.

“Jeff, I won’t do it. I don’t believe any of you and you can’t get me to eat that meat,” I sternly stood my ground. “If I take a bite of that sausage then my goal to go Vegan for 30 days is ruined!”

Jeff and my other two colleagues threw their hands in the air in exasperation.

“I’m telling you, Greg, that the only way we can stop this thing is if we all eat the sausage,” Brogan said, leaning in close to my face, my mouth agape. I scanned his eyes for any sign of ill will but detected nothing. Sweat was beginning to pool in the pours of his nose, but the rest of his face was smooth and arid.

“I swear to god if you don’t do this we’ll all die,” Tracy implored me. This was starting to turn from a daily hazing into an uncomfortable annoyance.

“We’ll all die?” I scoffed, standing up from my desk and walking to the window. These three had been on my case everyday for the past week, trying to get me to break my goal, but i’d staunchly refused every time. At first I thought they were just messing with me but then Scott Jenkins in accounting started complaining to HR about being harassed by the trio.

Jeff, Brogan and Tracy were new to our firm, having only been employed for about 4 months. Apparently they were from one of our other firms in Michigan, but no one seemed to be able to confirm that. I had gone out with them for drinks a few times but then they seemingly dumped me for the company of Scott Jenkins. I didn’t take it too hard and just moved on with my life.

Last week, Scott and I decided to take the “Vegan in 30 days” challenge together, realizing that we both needed to change our diet. The day after we stopped consuming meat, the trio began trying to force meat products on us. “You’ve been chosen, but you must eat meat,” they would say in creepy unison. “It’s coming and we must be ready.”

I laughed off the first few occurrences of this strange event, thinking they were just trying to get me to break my goal, but now it was getting weird.

“Guys,” I said calmly, returning to my desk after I’d taken a quick glance at the cityscape around us. “You need to stop doing this. It’s awkward and I have a lot of work to catch up on so please go bug someone else. How about you go joke around with Jenkins?” I chuckled.

The trio suddenly joined hands and bowed their heads. “Jenkins was not worthy,” they quietly whispered in unison. “You are the only hope. You are this savior of our Universe.”

My tense smile turned sour at the distant sound of howling sirens. The trio began nervously tapping their feet to a rhythm I was unfamiliar with. Our district manager, who was in town for a conference, came out of my supervisor’s office and surveyed the room.

“Anyone hear those sirens?” he questioned the employees who had stood up at the sound of the alarms. By now, everyone was headed toward the windows that faced east, trying to ascertain what the commotion was all about.

“Greg! The sausage!” Jeff pleaded, thrusting the meat link into my face. I locked eyes with him the moment the electricity in our building cut off. Something was definitely wrong.

“What’s that thing in the sky?!” came an inquisitive cry from the crowd at the windows. A tremendous vibration rocked our building sending the ceiling panels crashing down on the collection of cubicles by the elevator.

“Uh, everyone…everyone we need to get out of here. I think we’re having some kind of earthquake,” came the uncertain command of the district supervisor. He was loosening his tie and wiping a collection of sweat from his bald head. Everyone left their observation posts and collectively shuffled toward the stairwell.

Jeff, Brogan and Tracy each took a quick bite of the sausage and rapidly headed toward the windows, sidestepping the retreating crowd. I picked up my phone and wallet and hesitated. “What in the devil is happening here?” I breathed heavily, clutching at my chest.

Then I saw it.

Hurtling toward the building was what I could only describe as a fiery island of lava-like organic material. Huge tentacles burst from the surface of the island and wrapped around the skyscrapers adjacent our building, halting it’s rapid trajectory.

“You need to eat that sausage, Greg!” I heard Jeff scream once more. He and Tracy had begun to cut through one of the glass windows that faced the creature with some sort of vibrating blade. Instead of the business suit he’d been wearing just seconds before, he was now draped in some kind of glowing robe.

Brogan began spinning in place so quickly that his features were unrecognizable. Flames engulfed his body, melting the glass that prevented his escape from the room.

Tracy turned around to look at me once more as one of the monster’s tentacles tore through the steel exoskeleton of our building’s exterior. “Greg! We can’t do this without you! Eat the sausage and join us or this hell beast will destroy the entire city!” she screamed over the noise of falling glass. Her body was now covered in a collection of grey rocks and what I surmised were the horns of some prehistoric creature.

I thrust my hand out and grabbed the piece of sausage that was left on my desk. The creature thrust another flaming tentacle through the building, obliterating the cubicles not 20 feet from me. I felt the heat from the flames tearing at my skin.

I wasn’t a man of faith and I didn’t believe in fairy tales, but the events unfolding before my very eyes were undeniable proof that there were things in this world, and apparently other worlds, that I couldn’t explain. I was needed, or something inside me was needed to assist in banishing this demon that was ripping the city to shreds. Perhaps it was some form of destiny or maybe I was just lucky, but I needed to release the otherworldly power I never knew my body possessed.

A calmness came over me and the destruction slowed to a snail’s pace. I knew what had to be done.

“I’ll be right there,” I reassured my elemental colleagues with a devoted tone. I devoured the remainder of the sausage link without thinking and swallowed hard.

“Universe!” i declared aloud, “I. AM. YOUR. SAVIOR!”

With a flash of light the destruction vanished and the creature had disappeared. My teammates began to laugh like madmen, pointing at my confused countenance.

“So much for going Vegan, you idiot!” Jeff howled uncontrollably.

I stood silent and astonished.

Scott Jenkins emerged from the shambles of the fiery break room, chewing on a lettuce wrap from Panera. I turned to face him, bits of delicious meat still at the corners of my mouth.

“Greg!” he scolded me, “What about our Vegan in 30 days challenge? Ah jeez.”

It was then I realized I’d been royally punked by some aliens.