Will Cow Farts Ultimately Kill Us All?

I don’t know about you, but I’m all for more burgers to go with my “plant-based beer”

Brooke Ramey Nelson
Apr 27 · 4 min read
Photo by Andreas M. on Unsplash

Please, Uncle Joe, I know you want to reverse climate change and all, but for gosh sakes allow me to continue to drink plant-based beer. And is it true that if you have your way, I might have to give up my regular burger fix?

OK, full disclosure here. That’s what the screaming meemies at Faux News want you to think, anyway. If Larry Kudlow — the coked-up weirdo who used to work for the former guy — had his way, it appears we’d have to drink adult beverages that contained ingredients that originated in the animal kingdom. No more hops, yeast and grain for you, Mr. and Mrs. America!

Seems that those who have their panties in a bundle over Uncle Joe’s steady hand on the rudder of the Ship of State are going down that rabbit hole again. You know — headed in the Alice in LaLaLand, down is up, up is sideways, Mr. Potato Head is Dr. Seuss, direction.

Pretty soon, Larry tells us, Uncle Joe will add your regular burger and brewski consumption to the cancel culture wars being waged in lieu of policy by the GOP — Grand Ole Pussygrabbers, or what have you. Sorta gives a new meaning to IPA — I’d Prefer Animals, is what he’s saying, I guess.

Faux News has given Larry a daily platform on their so-called network — a show called “Kudlow”, as if we regular Americans know who he is — and he seemed determined last week to make the most of it. Or the yeast of it, if you prefer.

Larry claimed Uncle Joe’s climate policies would force Americans to “stop eating meat, stop eating poultry and fish, seafood, eggs, dairy and animal-based fats.

“OK, got that?” Larry railed. “No burgers on July 4. No steaks on the barbecue … So get ready. You can throw back a plant-based beer with your grilled Brussels sprouts and wave your American flag.”

Excuse me, but I have a beef with the previous statement—what other kind of beer do we chug-a-lug after a hard day at the salt mines? Filet-based stout? Certainly not sausage-infused lager. Pardon me while I gag.

Anyone who knows a tiny chicken wing about beer — whether it’s an IPA (which really stands for India Pale Ale — I know, I don’t get it, either), a craft lager, or just your regular old Tall Boy — knows that the most delicious suds are strictly vegetarian. Beer may pair well with a big, beefy burger, but it certainly is not at one with it.

Larry got hold of some lies in a British rag and did what he and the Faux Newsies do best — ran with it, until the best and the worst of cancel culture had the GOPpers pointing the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate at Uncle Joe again. And all because the poor guy has proposed fixing the climate crisis.

Yes, Uncle Joe wants to reduce U.S. greenhouse gases. And yes, cows — the source of all those delicious steaks and burgers we consume on the Fourth of July — emit their fair share of greenhouse gas, in the form of what is known in the livestock business as “methane”.

Not to put too pungent a point on it, but cows fart. A lot. And farts turn into methane, which in turn develops into greenhouse gas, which goes on to wreck the environment. And the more burgers we consume, the more cows are at home on the range. And the more cows, the more…I see a fart joke coming, but think I’ll just stop right there.

Meanwhile, Uncle Joe has said nothing about stopping beef consumption in this country. I can’t even imagine that he could do that, even if for some insane reason he wanted to. He’s proposing a whole feedlot worth of ideas, and not one of them has anything to do with beef cattle.

So Larry Kudlow can just shut his big, fat yapper. Or maybe stuff a Big Mac in it. There’s no “Burger Gate”, nor “Beer Gate” — but there are a whole heckuva lot of folks making fun of ol’ Larry and his stockyard full o’ lies.

I’m just the tiniest bit in favor of giving this old cokehead a break. I think Larry was just in his comfort zone last week when he attempted to skewer Uncle Joe. After all, his former boss, the former guy, knows his fast food. In fact, his burger-centric diet caused him to rip a few off on occasion at the damnedest moments — just take a gander at the look on Senator Dianne Feinstein’s face in this clip (SOUND WAY UP).

It’s also worth remembering at this point, I reckon, that Larry Kudlow was in charge of our economy way back when Comrade Minus reigned supreme. So consider the source. How did that work out for us again?

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