Ashley Peterson
Jul 20 · 3 min read

Or are you just happy to see me?

The artistic version of a dick pic (Image by Efes Kitap from Pixabay)

I thought I was getting on Twitter to connect with fellow mental health bloggers. Little did I know, though, that I am so stunningly attractive that men would be throwing themselves at me left, right, and centre. I wanted to share with you some of the special-est of the special. Twitter handles have been modified to prevent anyone else from getting in on my action.

The Nigerian prince

Some people might associate this with the Nigerian prince email scam, but I’m telling you, Prince Faz is the genuine article. Okay, so he wants me to send money to pay for a massive internet infrastructure upgrade, but that’s only so we can share sweet nothings over Skype!

The full-on dating ads

Anthony is “single and am looking for the right woman that will always love me for whom i am.” Awww. Nothing subtle here; just sayin’ it like it is. And anyone who decides to use “whom” in a sentence (even if it doesn’t belong there) has to be a total romantic.

Assorted come-ons

The pictures with young kids are popular. Kids are attractive, and there’s absolutely zero chance that Photoshop could be involved there, right?

Even more common are the U.S. Army types. There’s something sexy about a man in uniform, right? Okay, so from what I’ve read it’s probably more than just not his uniform, it’s not him in the picture, full stop. But isn’t it better that he’s not going to be over in Afghanistan or the latest war-of-the-moment getting shot at? He’ll be right here, all the time… Hmm, maybe that Afghanistan thing isn’t sounding so bad after all…

Now this doesn’t personally do it for me, but being God-fearing is a very popular claim. I’m not sure God would approve of their date-hunting methods, but what does this atheist know?

The ones who can’t write

Roland is “fai thful”. Inability to write is always hot. We’ve also got “doctor William ,am humble ,caring.” Of course they’re too busy teaching oh-so-important things in medical school to bother instructing anyone on the proper use of commas.

There are also assorted mélanges of elements. A prime example is Jimmy: “I’m who I am ,,God bless America..” All that was missing there was the army uniform, and he would have been a serious contender.

A little bit stalker-ish

RaphaelLikes thinks I’m sufficiently special that his only tweets are re-tweets of my own tweets. Ok fine, that’s a bit bit weird, but it’s only because he likes me!

The unexpected surprise

One night at work I was telling my male colleague about all of the random dudes who were following me on Twitter. He’s never used Twitter, so he had no idea what I was talking about. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to show him an example.

I clicked on the notification from one of the Rambo wannabes following me, and got to see a whole lot more of him than I was expecting. There he was naked, with an erection, doing a pushup. And I was showing this to a coworker, using work wifi. Oops. Time to close that — but not before I bookmark it for later. After all, a girl’s got eye candy needs!

All in all, it’s a good thing I’m quite contentedly single, or I’d have some serious decision-making to do!

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Ashley Peterson

Written by

Nurse, mental health blogger, living with depression. Author of two books. Using words to heal and fight stigma.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade