ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump’s First Hundred Days
WASHINGTON, D.C. —International terrorist organization ISIS has claimed responsibility for the first hundred days of the Trump Presidency.
In a statement made on a video given to the associated press, ISIS spokesperson Kus Umek claimed credit for the US President’s first few months in office, in which he has passed no signature legislation, signed fewer executive orders than his predecessor, and had many of his executive orders wind up in legal limbo after courts ruled against them.
“We have crippled your infidel political system, Americans,” Mr. Umek said in Arabic. “Now you will know the despair you subject the rest of the world to as you drift, rudderless into the coming conflagration,” he continued.
It is worth noting that ISIS has also claimed responsibility for La La Land, the New England Patriots winning the Superbowl, and the Starbucks Dragon Frappuccino.
While ISIS has managed horrific attacks in the Middle East, where it holds geographic territory and has military resources, like baseball in the US, ISIS has failed to expand far beyond its home in Iraq and Syria in any lasting or meaningful way. For years, ISIS has been claiming credit for nearly every attack they can plausibly say was in some way connected with them. This is true even when the attack comes as a surprise to ISIS itself; when the perpetrator of the crime has no direct connection to them, and in some cases claimed affiliation only after the fact.
Rather, these “homegrown terrorists” are just disturbed people using ISIS to justify their mad killings, just as they might chose to justify the same crimes by saying heavy metal music made them do it were the crimes committed in 1987. ISIS, impotent in its contracting territory claims the attacks as an accomplishment because they have little else to be cheerful about.
Excluding the ISIS organized attack on Paris a year ago — which was run by several ISIS members who traveled to ISIS held territory for training by ISIS — ISIS the organization hasn’t killed very many people in the last year. They are the New York Yankees of terrorist organizations: a great deal of mythology and mystique and very little to show for it in recent time.
Outside of their territory in Iraq and Syria, most ISIS linked attacks, though widely publicized, kill very few people, placing the danger of being killed in an ISIS organized attack outside the Middle East somewhere around the odds of being struck by lighting during a shark attack, or making out with Jessica Alba.
Reaction from the Washington insiders and counter-terrorism officials was a Mexican wave of shrugs.
“Well this is a relief,” said assistant FBI director Joshua L. Morgenstern, over lunch in the FBI cafeteria. “Here we thought he was working for Moscow. Whew. ISIS couldn’t make a bed, let alone make Trump pursue any agenda other than his own.”
“Finally I can stop eating my feelings,” he added.