Israel Palestine. That was the answer. However, What Is The Question?
Shalom and Marhaba ducks.
I’m here to tell you about another exciting edition of a new concept in concepts. It brings together folks who don’t agree at all, in the hope that we can have a calm discussion and end up not hating the shit out of each other so much.
1st Person: You sure about this?
Me: I am confident the audience will give a measured response.
1st Person: Is that why the comments are switched off?
Me: Purely coincidental.
Anyway, this week’s topic is, Israel Palestine.
“The Israeli–Palestinian conflict is an ongoing military and political conflict in the Levant. Beginning in the mid-20th century, it is one of the world’s longest continuing conflicts.” — Wikipedia
Me: Quick question, what is the ICC?
1st Person: Um, The International, Cricket, Council?
Me: Speaks volumes. You can think about sport when people are dying in Gaza. Some might call you complicit.
1st Person: I…Er…Well…I
Me: Speaks volumes. Your silence is deafening in the face of rising anti-Semitism. Some might call you complicit.
1st Person: I…Er…Well…I
Me: Speaks volumes. Some might call you basically a hate march with blood on your hands.
[silence]
Me: So, showtime!
Me: First, introductions. You are….?
Unnamed Person 1: Israel.
Me: May I politely suggest that you consider calling yourself, ‘the current Israeli government’? It might help….
Unnamed Person 1: My name is Israel. Please get on with the programme.
Me: OK. You are….?
Unnamed Person 2: Hamas.
Me: It might be worth pointing out that you don’t speak for the Palestinian peo….
Unnamed Person 1: My name is Hamas. Please get on with the programme.
Me: Yes bosses.
The International Criminal Court (ICC) investigates and, where warranted, tries individuals charged with the gravest crimes of concern to the international community: genocide, war crimes, crimes against humanity and the crime of aggression. — https://www.icc-cpi.int/
Me: The ICC has accused Israel of war crimes and crimes against humanity.
Hamas: Fuck yeah!
Me: However, the ICC has also accused Hamas leaders of war crimes and crimes against humanity.
Israel [mutters]: Fuck yeah.
Me: So, Israel, what do you say to that charge?
Israel: The ICC clearly does not understand the history of our people.
Me: OK. So, Hamas, what do you say to that charge?
Hamas: The history of our people is clearly something The ICC does not understand.
Me: So you agree?
Israel: We do not agree.
Hamas: We do not agree.
Me: The ICC statement is very detailed. It accuses you, Israel, of war crimes and crimes against humanity such as Starvation of civilians, Wilfully causing great suffering or serious injury to body or health, Wilful killing or Murder, Intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population, Extermination and/or murder including in the context of deaths caused by starvation, Persecution, and Other inhumane acts.
Israel: The ICC clearly does not understand the history of our people.
Me: OK. For you Hamas, The ICC statement is also very detailed. It accuses you of war crimes and crimes against humanity such as Extermination, Murder, Taking hostages, Rape and other acts of sexual violence, Torture, Other inhumane acts, Cruel treatment, and Outrages upon personal dignity in the context of captivity.
Hamas: The history of our people is clearly something The ICC does not understand.
Me: I could say that the behaviour of both of you is an example of toxic masculinity on an industrial scale and in no way can be justified, but I won’t.
Israel: You clearly do not understand the history of our people.
Hamas: The history of our people is clearly something you do not understand.
Me: And there you go, Justify McJustifyface. So, Israel, would you say that your actions are simply you, ooo, I dunno, defending your people?
Israel: Yes.
Me: So, Hamas, would you say that your actions are simply you, perhaps, say, defending your people?
Hamas: Yes.
Me: Good, you agree. Er, no, bad, you agree. Er… Aw fuck it. Maybe we should put you two in a room and let you fight it out.
1st Person: What? Room number, the modern State of Israel?
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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