It Ain’t Necessarily So
Why Speaker Johnson shouldn’t use what’s in the Bible to craft legislation.
In a free-wheeling interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, God said he was shocked by a statement by Mike Johnson, Speaker of the U. S. House of Representatives. Johnson was asked what he thinks “about any issue under the sun.” He replied “pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it. That’s my worldview’.”¹ “Seriously?” said God. “Mike thinks the Bible is a guide for making public policy? If that’s true, Sean, then the Bible’s the most effed-up user manual ever written.”
“For starters,” said God, “the Bible is a collection of sixty-six books originally written in Aramaic and archaic Hebrew.² They were subsequently translated into Koinè Greek. Koinè was the lingua franca for people living along the eastern Mediterranean; the translations allowed the Bible to move higher on the Babylon Bestseller List.
“Unfortunately, some scriptures got lost in translation. I’m not blaming anyone. Hell, I’ve done it myself. Last week I translated one of my favorite verses into Gen Z. I typed the following into Google Translate: “Money is the root of all evil. When some coveted [it], they erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”³ What’d Google give me? ‘Guap ain’t it, chief. Dudes who are stoked for bread end up salty.’⁴ Christ, I couldn’t publish that. Christians would Holy Ghost me!
“The Bible contains even bigger oopsies. The story of Mary mother of Jesus, for example. The Bible says Jesus was Mary’s first child. He was conceived through the power of the Holy Spirit, not sexual intercourse. Therefore, Mary was a virgin when she gave birth.
“Not so fast. In the Old Testament, the prophet Isaiah mentions a woman of childbearing age who had not yet borne a kid. Isaiah used an ancient Hebrew word for such a woman: עַלְמָה (pronounced “almāh”). Later on, a scribe converted Isaiah to Koinè Greek. Unfortunately, he mistranslated עַלְמָה — a woman who hasn’t had a kid — into παρθένος (parthenos): a virgin.⁵ Matthew and Luke subsequently copied that mistake into their descriptions of Mary. Next thing you know, writers are copy/pasting “the virgin Mary” into the Bible translations in Latin, French, Arabic, German, Spanish, Portuguese, and my favorite, the Early Modern English version known as the King James. When homeowners began putting Virgin Mary lawn statues in their yards, the mistake was set in stone.
“My point is this, Sean. Mike Johnson thinks gay marriage should be banned.⁶ He cites the Bible’s definition of marriage, that it’s between one man and one woman. He shouldn’t take the Good Book at its word. The Bible can’t tell a virgin from a dame who’s done the dance with no pants.
“That’s one reason Mike shouldn’t use the Bible to craft legislation. Another is that the Good Book provides bad examples. Say that Mike relies on the Bible to write the National Defense Authorization Act, which funds the U.S. military for a fiscal year.⁷ It doesn’t give him much to work with. Mike wants to retire America’s aging fleet of B-52 bombers? The Bible would tell him to fund a weapon which dumps the Red Sea on an opposing pharaoh and his army.⁸ Mike wants to replace the M-16 assault rifle? The Bible would advise him to arm soldiers with a semi-automatic leather sling with a sniper scope, a hundred rounds of large-caliber creek stones, and a high-capacity backpack to carry them.⁹
“The Bible has another problem: it’s wildly inconsistent. Case in point. The Democrats want a bill which helps cities repair damage due to civil disturbances. The Bible offers diametrically opposed choices. The book of Nehemiah presents one: “See how Jerusalem lieth in waste, and the gates thereof are burned with fire. Come and let us build up the wall of Jerusalem.”¹⁰ Mike won’t like that one. Republicans believe cities governed by Democrats are lawless, Marxist, politically correct hellscapes.¹¹ Mike’ll choose my urban renewal strategy for Sodom and Gomorrah.¹² He’ll fund fire and brimstone for New York and San Francisco.
“Granted, Mike found one straightforward policy solution in the Bible, and it’s a doozy. He was hanging out with his bros in the House, playing the Republicans’ favorite board game: ‘How Can We Torment Transexuals Today?’ Mike rolled the dice and landed on Restroom Bans. ‘Aitch-e-double-hockey-stick,’ cursed Mike. ‘This one’s been done to death. Every red state has passed or is trying to pass a version of Florida’s transgender bathroom ban.¹³ What’s there left to do?’
“Then Mike recalled a rule for being a member of his church in Benton, Louisiana: ‘He that hath his privy member cut off shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.’¹⁴ ‘Hot diggity darn,’ Mike crowed. ‘I’ll adapt that rule to ban transgender guys from using the Capitol men’s rooms which are reserved for Republicans.’ Unfortunately, congressmen Kevin McCarthy, Matt Gaetz, and Jim Jordan shot down the idea. If the rule was implemented, they’d be barred from the restrooms. Because Kevin’s, Jim’s and Matt’s privy members rotted off a long time ago.
“Here’s the thing,” said God. “Mike says his worldview is based on the Bible. He doesn’t mean it. Consider this. Mike has proposed cutting Social Security by $756 billion, Medicare by $1.8 trillion, and Medicaid by $3 trillion.¹⁵ I’m not shittin’ you, Sean: Mike didn’t pull that idea out of the Bible. He pulled it out of his holier-than-thou ass.”
[1]: “Speaker Mike Johnson defends stance on social issues: ‘Go pick up a Bible, that’s my worldview’”, Fox News, https://www.foxnews.com/media/speaker-mike-johnson-defends-stance-social-issues-pick-bible-worldview
[2]: “In Which Language Was The Bible First Written?”, Biblword [sic], https://www.biblword.net/in-which-language-was-the-bible-first-written/
[3]: 1st Timothy 6:10, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/1-Timothy-6-10/
[4]: “50 Gen Z Slang Words You Need To Know To Keep From Becoming ‘Cheugy’”, Parade, https://parade.com/1293898/marynliles/gen-z-slang-words/
[5]: “Isaiah 7:14”, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaiah_7:14#:~:text=The Hebrew word עַלְמָה,the Virgin birth of Jesus CLaG note: this link may not work because of the spaces in the web address. If that’s the case, and you want to go to the site, highlight the address, then copy/paste it into your browser.
[6]: “New House speaker’s views on LGBTQ issues come under fresh scrutiny”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-politics-and-policy/mike-johnson-house-speaker-lgbtq-views-scrutiny-rcna122317
[7]: “National Defense Authorization Act”, The House Armed Service Committee, https://armedservices.house.gov/ndaa
[8]: Moses and the Israelites come to the Red Sea while escaping from Egypt. God parts the sea so they can walk across its dry bottom. When Pharaoh and his army follow, God causes the sea to return and drowns them. Exodus chapter 14, King James Version Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Exodus-Chapter-14/
[9]: David of Israel slays Goliath, the champion of the Philistines, by using his sling to hurl a brook stone into his forehead. 1st Samuel chapter 17, King James Version Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/1-Samuel-Chapter-17/
[10]: Nehemiah 2:17, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Nehemiah-2-17/
[11]: “Democrats replace city life with hellscapes”, The Washington Times, https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2021/jun/22/democrats-replace-city-life-with-hellscapes/
[12]: Genesis 19:24, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Genesis-19-24/
[13]: “Safety in Private Spaces Act”, Florida Senate Bill 1674, https://www.flsenate.gov/Session/Bill/2023/1674/BillText/c1/PDF
[14]: Deuteronomy 23:1, King James Version Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Deuteronomy-23-1/
[15]: “Preserving American Freedom”, page 193, table 2a, “Revenues and Outlays vs. CBO Baseline”, official Mike Johnson web site, https://mikejohnson.house.gov/sites/mikejohnson.house.gov/files/final rsc fy 2020 for print.pdf CLaG note: this link may not work because of the spaces in the web address. If that’s the case, and you want to go to the site, highlight the address, then copy/paste it into your browser.
