The Haven
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The Haven

Drumpf’s penis roams freely on his desk after scaling the leg of an assistant. (Gage Skidmore)

It’s Alive. And a fungus

Drumpf’s portobello penis jumps anywhere it pleases.

In the wake of porn star Stormy Daniel’s torrid exposé of Drumpf’s sexual peccadilloes there is only one fact people want to know. Does his penis look like the character Toad in the game Mario Kart?

Public curiosity had faded as the media focused on larger public issues, such as the activities of Justice Kavanaugh’s penis and liver, and two hurricanes. Drumpf dragged the question back into the public eye when he Tweeted that Daniels has a horseface. This led to Daniel’s return Tweet reminding America how “tiny” the things most important to Drumpf are.

So, what’s the truth of her assessment?

A recently discovered screen shot from the State of the Union Address (SOTU) delivers the answer. Without question, Drumpf’s penis (or Lil’ D, as staff members claim he named it) peeked from his pants to see the audience response when he delivered a line he thought was really clever. The penis resembles a mushroom, exactly as described by Daniels.

“You know how he applauds himself during his speeches?” an anonymous source in the Capitol’s video unit suggested. “He was so enamored with the line ‘the individual mandate is now dead’ that his d**k popped out of his pants and applauded too. It was so small we first thought it was bad pixels, but there it was clapping away.”

“He was so enamored with the line ‘the individual mandate is now dead’ that his d**k popped out of his pants and applauded too. It was so small we first thought it was bad pixels, but there it was clapping away.”

The source added that the incident was caught on the B-roll camera or he would have exposed himself to the nation. On orders from the White House they deleted the frames. Somehow they were still available on the hard drive even after hundreds of other files had been scrubbed. “It’s a persistent bugger. It simply would not go away,” our source informed us. “But we know that from all the harassment suits women filed against him.”

White House challenges video veracity

Lil' D peeks out as Drumpf congratulates himself during a speech to Senate. (Voice of America)
Lil’ D pops up as Drumpf congratulates himself during State of Union. (Voice of America)

The White House denies the authenticity of the clip, and claims the frames were digitally altered with CGI. “You only need to look at that disgusting video to know it’s fake,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “Drumpf asked the CIA, NSA, FBI and DOD to put their best analysts to work for the country’s sake. They spent more than 5000 man hours reviewing the clips and one of the analysts, who is now director of Video for all the intelligence agencies, verified the penis video is completely faker than fake news.”

Contrary proof, however, came from a surprising source, Drumpf’s January 2018 medical. “Even though it was eight month’s ago, people have already forgotten,” Sean Conley, his current physician told reporters. “Between North Korea, the Iran Treaty, pissing off every European ally we have, giving our secrets to Putin, and obstructing the FBI for eighteen of the twenty hours a week he devotes to the job, who can remember his physical?”

“Drumpf asked the CIA, NSA, FBI and DOD to put their best analysts to work for the country’s sake. They spent more than 5000 man hours reviewing the clips and one of the analysts, who is now director of Video for all the intelligence agencies, verified the penis video is completely faker than fake news.”

Penis exposed by FOIA

Using the FOIA, The Haven was given access to Drumpf’s medical results. We discovered photographs and complete measurements of his penis were included. They match the screenshots from SOTU exactly.[1]

The documentation only exists because, according to the physician’s[2] notes, “he insisted Li’l Dick’s historic dimensions should be preserved for the record.” Jackson’s notes also show that his penis is historic in other respects:

  1. Drumpf’s penis can detach from his body and move at will. During the examination, it crawled off the exam table and up a nurse’s skirt when her back was turned. She had to remove her panties before she could find “whatever the hell is tickling me.”
  2. The head of Drumpf’s penis is twice the size of normal penises because this is where his body stores his brain. However, his brain is scaled to fit his penis, which resulted in a brain one-twentieth the size of a normal human’s.

The head of Drumpf’s penis is twice the size of normal penises because this is where his body stores his brain. However, his brain is scaled to fit his penis, which resulted in a brain one-twentieth the size of a normal human’s.

The White House tried to block The Haven’s FOIA request on grounds of national security, but the courts ruled unanimously that the security of the nation isn’t contingent upon the size of POTUS’s penis.

[1]: The unedited physical results also list his weight as “375” and his heart as, “so clogged by fat and cholesterol it stopped pumping years ago.” His physician noted, “we have no idea what’s keeping him alive but the extra fat must be acting as a preservative.”

[2]: Dr. Ronny Jackson.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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