It’s Honeycrisp Apple Season, Bitches!
I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Honeycrisp apple enthusiast (or HCAE). If I see anybody eating an apple that’s not a Honeycrisp apple, I will knock that fucker right out of their hands.
I know the phrase “mouth orgasm” is overused, but that first bite of a Honeycrisp apple will give your mouth a Big O like nobody’s business. That crisp, tart tang. That deafening crunch that makes people turn their heads like, “What the fuck was that?” It’s better than sex.
In fact, I haven’t had sex since eating my first Honeycrisp apple this year because I won’t put my Honeycrisp apple down. People act like that’s weird.
Well, you know what? YOU’RE weird if you don’t eat a Honeycrisp apple every fucking chance you get. Life is short. Honeycrisp apple season is much, much, much, much shorter.
My local orchard guarantees Honeycrisp apples from September 21st until December 25th, and let me tell you, if I show up on December 25th and there are no fucking Honeycrisp apples left, I will burn that place to the ground. No lie. They see me coming in there with a baseball bat and they know. If I don’t get my Honeycrisp apple fix, I will go absolutely motherfucking apeshit and start destroying everything within arm’s reach.
