Elf on the Shelf Is Reading Pornography to Our Kids

Or So My Wife Claims

Hey, Shelf Elf, your plastic hands have been caught red-handed. I know you’ve been exposing our children to smut like the Bridgerton book series when I’m not home, so pack your tiny suitcase and hit the fuckin’ road!

You must think I’m stupid, and that I don’t realize you’ve been reading inappropriately sexual material about the 1800s to our twins, Phoebe and Simon. Take your copies of The Duke & I and The Viscount Who Loved Me, and whatever other sick works of perversion you have hidden in this house, and consider yourself banned!

I’ve left you bus fare on the kitchen counter.

You didn’t think I’d find those books, huh? Lucky for me, my wonderful God-fearing wife ratted you out last night, after I found those immoral books under her pillow. She said you probably planted them when she put the kids to bed.

I bet you’re also responsible for planting that strange vibrating gadget I discovered in her bedside table a few weeks ago. Likely some sort of listening or tracking device you installed for your sick, twisted, pleasure. Nice try, asshole!

We brought you into this house with the best intentions, to spread holiday cheer and to spy on our kids. I’m sure you’re aware that these books were not on the approved list of reading materials that I supplied to you during your onboarding process. The adult nature of these novels surely made our young children feel very uncomfortable.

Let me be clear. No toy Elf should have the right to make our kids feel uncomfortable in any way. As their parents, that’s our job.

Plus, kids are too young to be learning about adult topics like sex. They should find out about them naturally like we did when we turned twenty-one, from a church pamphlet.

Please don’t take this ban lightly, as I come from a long line of successful blacklisters. In the 90s, after my parents found my brother’s secret stash of Christian Slater Tiger Beat magazines, they quickly linked his behavior to the purple Teletubby, Tinky Winky, who was obviously trying to convert him to his gay enclave.

After praying on it and getting advice from various TV televangelists, my parents quickly canceled PBS and banned the color purple entirely from our home. Crisis averted!

To say that we’re disappointed in you is an understatement. With you no longer here, our kids will lose their best friend, but more importantly we’ll lose one of our main babysitters.

If dads can’t rely on a mini plastic doll with rosy cheeks and pipe cleaner legs to look after their kids while they spend all their time making craft beer in the garage, then I don’t recognize this world anymore.

Thanks for ruining Christmas.