I’ve Fallen but the Apple Watch Will Help Me Get Up
I recently bought an Apple Watch, and now there’s a small part of me that hopes I get knocked unconscious in a forest.
It might be the only way I can justify the expense.
I owe my $400 purchase to Apple’s latest commercials spotlighting the watch’s Emergency SOS and Location Services features. In a single advertising spot, we hear Jason, Jim and Amanda telling 911 operators via their watches that they are, respectively, being pushed out to sea by a strong wind gust while paddle boarding, incapacitated from a broken leg after falling down a hole, and trapped in a car rapidly filling with water. Rescuers, the commercial implies, located all three thanks to their watches.
In another commercial, we meet Bob B. We don’t hear Bob because he’s been knocked unconscious while biking. Somehow the Apple Watch “knew” that Bob had taken a hard fall, pinpointed his latitude and longitude and was able to send help.
I have had my watch for over a week and realize that Apple “knows” when I’m doing, or not doing, lots of stuff. It knows when I’m walking through my neighborhood, as evidenced by the “It looks like you’re walking” message that appears after I have covered a few blocks.
The watch then asks if I would like to “record” my walk so it can gleefully tell me at day’s end how many steps I have traveled since waking. Sometimes I don’t need a reminder; I simply tell the watch I am about to start walking and the watch responds with a “Three, two, one, GO!” message.
If I don’t walk, the watch gently chides me for spending too much time on the couch. It is going to be VERY disappointed on Super Bowl Sunday. Ditto for the calorie counting app I downloaded to the watch.
Another Gadget That Can Die on Me
I resisted purchasing the latest Apple gadget for the longest time, even though my wife and both daughters own them. “I don’t want to charge a watch,” was my standard response every time the subject was broached.
My attitude changed when my wife took a job featuring an insurance plan that offered financial incentives for everyday movement. Walk 10,000 steps a day, do a strenuous workout or walk 300 steps six times a day and receive (drumroll please) A DOLLAR.
Like a kid who just started receiving a weekly allowance, I am now obsessed with earning up to three dollars a day. Which is why I, the guy who complained about charging a watch, now dutifully unplugs that same watch from his bedside charger each morning and straps it on before walking to the bathroom. Hey, it’s never too early to start making money!
When the watch tells me to stand, I stand. When it suggests I take a “mindful moment,” I do it. A mindful moment simply means stopping what I’m doing for a minute and thinking about something pleasant. I usually think about what I’m going to purchase with my three dollars. Perhaps an entire gallon of gas!
Time to Have Sex!
I have been told there is an app that allows the watch to monitor, and record, my sexual activity. This is one feature I will not be using. For starters, I don’t need love making to begin with “Three, two, one, GO!” nor do I need the watch to say, “It looks like you’re having sex!” I can only imagine what my wife’s watch would be saying at the same time.
The SOS feature, I now realize, is simply an updated version of the Life Alert medical alarm, made famous by the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ad in the late 1980s. I just wonder if the Apple Watch has its limitations. What if my parachute doesn’t open? What if, instead of being knocked unconscious in a forest, I’m being chased by a bear? Will the watch come to my rescue then?
Probably, but knowing Apple, I will have to upgrade to the $750 model.
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator/host of the streaming TV series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.
