I’ve Figured out Why Celebrities Are Cranky All The time
It’s all those damn sunglasses’ fault
Celebrities are cranky all the time because they wear sunglasses all the time.
I always knew that it must have something to do with those damn sunglasses. Now I have barely enough science to back it up. And that’s just good enough.
Allow me to explain my bulletproof hypothesis.
Introduction
I saw the latest video from Dr. Ken Berry, titled “10 Shocking Benefits of SUN EXPOSURE”.
It is a perfect Medium title, don’t you think? It has a number. It has a power word. It has a word benefit in it — the whole package.
Anyway, I have been struggling with the idea of sunscreen use for a while. So title piqued up my interest.
While watching the video, around 6:40, he said, “wearing sunglasses can raise your melatonin levels during the daylight.”.
I don’t like wearing sunglasses much. I don’t like them darkening the colors. But, my girlfriend just can not get enough of them. Sunglasses on from the moment she steps out of the house till the moment the sun goes down. She claims sunglasses make the world a better place. Visually.
Melatonin is a hormone that regulates the sleep-wake cycle. It is supposed to be high at night and low during the day. You do not want something to raise your melatonin level during the day.
I saw an opportunity.
This was my chance to finally win an argument against my girlfriend. I have the science behind me this time. Let’s see what she will say about that?
I felt like Elaine from Seinfeld when she confronted Jerry after she found out that the original title for “War and Peace” wasn’t “War, What is it Good For.” as he tricked her.
I was going to stand in front of her and say:
So what do you have to say for yourself?
I found an article. “Sunglasses May Play a Role in Depression.”
Hmm… A hypothesis.
But after all, every great scientific breakthrough started with a hypothesis.
I take it.
Body
The main points of the articles:
When the eyes do not receive light, melatonin is produced, and it prepares us for sleep. If we receive light through the eyes, it suppresses the production of melatonin.
So high level of melatonin is good at night, bad at during the day.
It is like a friend who you only hang out when you go out drinking. We all have that kind of friend — no fun at all during the day, but once you start drinking, he is the funniest guy in the world.
If you don’t have this kind of friend, I am sorry, but it might be you.
Here is a photo of a guy in the process of being funny.
Another thing to know melatonin is that it is synthesized from its precursor serotonin. So due to the increase of melatonin, serotonin levels may fall.
Since sunglasses screen out 75% to 90% of visible light, in people wearing sunglasses, circadian rhythms may be distorted; sunglasses can block suppressing effect of bright light on melatonin, and result in reduced serotonin levels.
Disturbed circadian rhythm has been found among patients with major depression. And, low levels of serotonin in the brain linked to depression.
This was good. Not for the people who wear sunglasses all the time but for my argument. A combination of lack of sleep and lower serotonin levels affect a person’s mood drastically.
Conclusion
It wasn’t time to be subtle. These are sunglasses we are talking about. Everybody wears sunglasses. It was time to come up with a big hypothesis.
A hypothesis of a hypothesis.
So, how could I get carried away with all of this information?
I started thinking about all of the people who wear sunglasses all the time. Suddenly it hit me.
My god. Celebrities.
These people wear sunglasses all the time to not be recognized and chased for a signature by the ordinary people like me.
They basically live in the dark all the time. They must be suffering.
Their melatonin levels must be through the roof. With disturbed circadian rhythm, they must be feeling pretty crappy every morning.
So that's must be the reason why they are cranky all the time. Their jerky behavior towards people wasn’t their fault at all. They are the victims of sunglasses. Poor celebrities. They have no idea what is going on.
How lucky I feel that I am not a celebrity.
Close call. Close enough.
All of the people who are reading this dodged a bullet there.
So spread the word to your local celebrities and free them from their misery. Maybe buy them a hat as a gift too. It is not sunglasses, but it is something.
Here is a photo of a person with a hat. Look how happy she looks.
Still, that is not enough science to win an argument against any girlfriend. I think I will wait for that hypothesis to get proofed. Maybe then I take another shot.
I want to leave you with this final takeaway:
We all look way cooler in sunglasses
