Jay Sekulow’s Babysitting Letter for Donald Trump’s Secret Service

“Well, I wonder why the Secret Service, if this was nefarious, why the Secret Service allowed these people in. The president had Secret Service protection at that point, and that raised a question with me.” — Jay Sekulow, lawyer for Donald Trump, reacting to news of a potentially illegal meeting between Russians and Donald Trump Jr.

Dear Secret Service,

Thanks so much for coming tonight! It’s been ages since I had any “me” time and this is SO greatly appreciated.

This is the first time you’ll be watching Donald and I wanted to give you a few guidelines to help keep him out of trouble.

  1. Donald likes to watch TV so please do help him with the remote. His favorite is Fox News, but he also enjoys The Apprentice and the Playboy channel. You’re probably surprised that the Playboy channel is still a thing, but rest assured, it’s still hopping! Hahaha I made a joke even though I’m a humorless attorney. Fun Fact: Donald appeared in a soft-core porn film produced by Playboy and Hugh Hefner’s son Cooper thinks he’s a backwards narcissist. And some other stuff about Donald and Playboy here.
  2. Make sure Donald brushes his teeth and his “hair” before bedtime. Whatever you do, please don’t mention Mark Cuban’s full head of hair. Donald is very envious of Mark, and it won’t end well.
  3. Read Donald a bedtime story before you put him to sleep, but don’t be alarmed when he screams “FAKE NEWS!!!!!”. He yells that all the time and some people don’t know what to make of it, but that’s just his peculiar way. Between us girls, he’s a little confused and you can just ignore it.
  4. Donald might like a bedtime snack of KFC, ice cream and/or chewy steak. You can go ahead and give it to him, and feel free to use it as leverage to get him to go to bed nicely.
  5. If Donald asks to play a round of golf, tell him that we PROMISE to take him in the morning if he’s a good boy.
  6. Speaking of going to bed nicely, Donald is NOT ALLOWED to use his phone in bed. I can’t begin to tell you the trouble he’s gotten into by late night tweeting and early morning tweeting and also midday tweeting. As his lawyer I implore you to PLEASE TAKE AWAY HIS PHONE. I can’t stress this enough.
  7. I think we mentioned that Donald has a little issue with peeing on the bed. We hope that there won’t be any incidents tonight, but if you have let him watch the Playboy channel, we can’t make any promises.
  8. Finally — and I know this might sound strange but it is of utmost importance — absolutely no Russians are allowed into Donald’s room at any time. You, the Secret Service, are responsible for preventing any nefarious Russians from entering Donald’s room. Disclaimer: If any Russians do enter the room at any time, you, The Secret Service, assume all legal responsibility and liability and agree to incur the costs of any lawsuits that might arise in perpetuity even if we inhabit outer space, which is very likely now that Donald has decided that “The Paris Agreement” is no longer a bedtime story he likes to read. Please sign and date this babysitting agreement here and here and here. Thanks so much in advance.

Well that’s all for now. I hope you enjoy watching over our Donald. As I assume you’ve gathered by now, he’s a little fragile.

If you need to reach me, I’ll be on all the Sunday morning shows.

Sincerely,

Jay Sekulow

Lawyer for Donald J. Trump