Jesus Is Running For President
But Evangelical Christians trash Christ, prefer Trump.
Jesus Christ, a one-time spiritual entrepreneur, and chief marketing officer of a divine enterprise founded by his Heavenly Father, has announced that he’s a Republican candidate for President of the United States. He figures White Evangelicals will automatically support him. Yet to his chagrin, there are already signs they won’t. During a meet ’n greet at the Cheri-Top Drive-In in Muscatine, Iowa, Jesus condemned Donald Trump for being a blasphemer who’s never cracked the covers of a Bible. “Whatabout you, Jesus,” replied an Evangelical in a booth. “You can recite the book of Judges. But Trump gave us actual judges.”
That was Jesus’ first encounter with White Evangelical “whataboutism.” Evangelicals use it to excuse Trump’s ignorance, incompetence, immorality, and criminality — on the grounds that his opponents are just as bad.¹ When Trump is denounced for using the presidency to line his pockets, Evangelicals reply “Whatabout the sweetheart deals between the Biden crime family and Ukrainian natural gas companies?”² When Trump is accused of instigating violence at the Capitol on January 6th, they say “Whatabout Nancy Pelosi’s failure to prevent the violence by making the Capitol secure?”³ When Trump is accused of keeping secret documents in his bathroom, they reply “Whatabout Hillary’s secret emails on her personal computer server?”⁴ Whataboutism is White Evangelicals’ superpower. It makes them invulnerable to feeling hypocritical, ashamed, irrational, or stupid for defending Trump against all comers. Including Jesus Christ.
People were surprised that Jesus used a presidential campaign as an excuse for his Second Coming.⁵ The betting in Vegas was that he wouldn’t do it for anything less than a Biblical flood, famine, earthquake, or armageddon.⁶
So why now? Because Mike Pence invited him to do it. Trump had just landed his second criminal indictment. Even so, fifty percent of Republican voters still considered him their first choice for President. DeSantis was a long “second” at twenty percent, followed by Mike (6%), Nikki Haley (4%), and Tim Scott (4%).⁷ Pence was flabbergasted that Trump still led the pack. “Jesus Christ,” he raged, “isn’t there anyone who can stop that mother?” Jesus was shocked: Mike was so pissed, he used half of a curse word. Jesus pondered the idea. He’d hoped to use World War III as the warm-up act for his next tour. But stopping Trump’s encore was an even better reason for a Second Coming.
Jesus proclaimed his candidacy at a news conference in Ottumwa, Iowa. He chose Iowa because its January caucuses would give him an early, easy win. After all, White Evangelicals were his natural political base. And Iowa is covered with Evangelicals like Biblical Egypt was covered with locusts.
As for Ottumwa, Jesus picked it because it’s the home of his favorite television character, Corporal Radar O’Riley, from his favorite TV series, M*A*S*H.
Jesus ran the playbook he used to make his triumphal entrance into Jerusalem two-thousand years ago:⁸ he rode into Ottumwa on a campaign donkey. Only this time, signs hung from its sides which said “Vote For Christ or Kiss His Ass.” Coming down Business Route 63, Jesus turned left onto 2nd Street, rode three blocks, then dismounted at the Hotel Ottumwa. He strode inside and went straight to the Grand Ballroom, where his press conference would take place.
Standing at the podium, with a huge American flag hanging behind him, Jesus looked better than the day he was resurrected. He wore an undyed wool mantle across his shoulders, and fastened with an American flag pin. Beneath it was an off-white cotton chitōn which ended just below his knees.⁹ He sported Nike trail-running sandals on his feet. His locks was shampooed, conditioned, and moussed. His whiskers were neatly trimmed, and touched up with sandalwood beard balm.
Jesus stepped up to the microphone and got right to it: “I am running to be the Republican nominee for President of the United States.” Then he gave the obligatory red meat to right-wingers. “Follow me, for I shall lead you out of the woke wilderness. I shall save you from the left-wing lepers who plot to steal your freedoms. I’m talking about the Marxist snakes and vipers who think Philistine Lives Matter. Would deprive you of your Second Amendment rights to carry slings. Will defund the centurions. And are soft on sodomy. I’ll halt the teaching of Critical Grace Theory. Ban transgender gladiators from competing in the Colosseum. And I won’t force anyone to wear masks if their communities are plagued by locusts¹⁰, lice¹¹, frogs¹², or boils¹³.”
But then, Jesus did something no other Republican candidate dared do: he ripped Trump a new one. “Woe unto you, Donald Trump! Ye love the uppermost rooms at Trump Tower. The chief seats at feasts. Greetings in the golf resorts. And to be called Mr. President, Mr. President. But be not ye called President. Yea, though you appear righteous unto men, ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. And while we’re on the subject, ye paid a harlot to hide her harlotry with you. That is an abomination to the Lord thy God — and a Class E felony in the State of New York.”¹⁴
That last remark was an allusion to the Stormy Daniels scandal. Jesus directed it at White Evangelicals in the crowd and watching on their TVs. He hoped it would prick their consciences for supporting Trump. Instead, he aroused their whataboutism. Indeed, “Whatabout you, Jesus,” barked an elderly, blue-haired church-lady in the crowd. “I bet you slipped Mary Magdalene some shekels to keep quiet after she gave you some slap ’n tickle under your robes.”
That was the beginning. Thereafter, Jesus had to defend himself against whatabouts at every stop on the campaign trail.
At an ice cream social in the Liberty Evangelical Free Church in Pella, Jesus disparaged Trump for preferring dinners with his billionaire buddies to breaking bread with parishioners. “Whatabout you, Jesus,” countered a deacon. “You haven’t shown up for anyone’s potluck since the Last Supper two thousand years ago.”
During a policeman’s benefit at Jethro’s BBQ in Des Moines, Jesus slammed Trump for being a con artist. “Donald duped people who enrolled in Trump University. And scammed donors to the Trump Charitable Foundation. He screws over contractors who build his hotels. Stiffs companies which supply services. Cheats towns out of taxes by lowballing his properties’ values. Inflates those values to secure low-interest loans. Then sandbags banks by declaring bankruptcy to avoid repaying them.”
“But whatabout you, Jesus,” countered a cop. “According to the Bible, you held a campaign rally for ‘a great multitude,’ but didn’t make arrangements for food trucks. Your followers scrounged up just ‘five loaves and two fishes’ to feed them. But then, you supposedly ‘took the five loaves, and the two fishes, blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to the multitude. They did all eat, and were filled. And they that had eaten were about five thousand men, beside women and children.’¹⁵. C’mon, Jesus, where’d those fish really come from? Did your disciples illegally gill-net ’em in the Sea of Galilee? What about those loaves? Did they just happen to fall off a bakery truck making deliveries in Capernaum? You call Trump a con artist, Jesus. I think you’re guilty of Grand Theft Fishes And Loaves.”
There was the rally at the Field of Dreams baseball diamond outside Dyersburg. Jesus ridiculed Trump for telling people they can cure Covid by injecting bleach into their bodies.¹⁶ “Whatabout you Jesus,” called out a Certified Fad Dietician in the audience. “The Bible says you cured a blind man. And you did it by hocking a loogie, mixing it with clay, then applying the resulting gunk to the guy’s eyes. Has the FDA approved that treatment, Jesus? Does insurance cover it, or did the blind guy pay for it out of pocket? How ‘bout this: what you did is as ridiculous as shoving a flashlight up your ass.”¹⁷
Finally, during a Bible-signing in Noah’s Christian Books in Cedar Rapids, Jesus observed that “Trump didn’t write his gospels. The Art of the Deal, Surviving at the Top, and How to Make America Great Again were penned by ghostwriters.”¹⁸ To which a customer responded “Yeah Jesus, but who do you think wrote the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John?”
The whatabouting took a toll on Jesus’ campaign. Fat cat donors wouldn’t shower him with shekels. Grassroots contributors kept their alms to themselves. In the beginning, Jesus polled just behind Ron DeSanctimonious. But after White Evangelicals stoned him with whatabouts, his approval ratings were underwater. Indeed, they were lower than carp crap on the bottom of the Dead Sea.
So Jesus announced that he was suspending his campaign. A few followers begged him to stay in the race. “I can’t do it,” said Jesus. “White Evangelicals crucified my campaign, and there’s no freakin’ way it can be raised from the dead.”
All Bible references are to the King James version.
[1]: “With whataboutism, denial and excuses, Trump’s allies are still defending him”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/07/us/politics/with-whataboutism-denial-and-excuses-trumps-allies-are-still-defending-him.html
[2]: “GOP slams ‘Biden Crime Family’ after report says Hunter received ‘extravagant’ gifts from Burisma exec”, Fox News, https://www.foxnews.com/politics/gop-slams-biden-crime-family-after-report-says-hunter-received-extravagant-gifts-from-burisma-exec
[3]: “Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the Jan. 6 attack”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/27/us/insurrection-pelosi-claims-fact-check.html
[4]: “Whataboutism, Part I: Trump’s Rhetorical Technique to Subvert Political DiscourseI”, Occupy, https://www.occupy.com/article/whataboutism-part-i-trump-s-rhetorical-technique-subvert-political-discourse#sthash.S31il4Uw.dpbs
[5]: The Bible, book of Hebrews, chapter 9, verse 28.
[6]: The Bible, book of Matthew, chapter 24, verse 7.
[7]: “2024 Republican Presidential Nomination”, as of June 27, 2023, RealClear Politics, https://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2024/president/us/2024_republican_presidential_nomination-7548.html
[8]: The Bible, book of Mark, chapter 8, verses 7–9.
[9]: “The truth about Jesus: His hair wasn’t long and he only wore one-piece tunic — the equivalent of underwear”, National Post, https://nationalpost.com/news/world/the-truth-about-jesus-his-hair-wasnt-long-and-he-only-wore-a-one-piece-tunic#:~:text=From the Bible (for example,form it was in antiquity.
[10]: The Bible, book of Exodus, chapter 10, verses 14–15.
[11]: The Bible, book of Exodus, chapter 8, verse 17.
[12]: The Bible, book of Exodus, chapter 8, verse 3.
[13]: The Bible, book of Exodus, chapter 9, verse 10.
[14]: Adapted from Jesus’ denunciations of the Pharisees, The Bible, book of Matthew, chapter 23.
[15]: The Bible, book of Matthew, chapter 14, verses 14–21.
[16]: “Trump Muses About Light as Remedy, but Also Disinfectant, Which Is Dangerous”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/24/health/sunlight-coronavirus-trump.html
[17]: The Bible, book of John, chapter 9, verses 1, 6 and 7.
[18]: “Trump boasted about writing many books — his ghostwriter says otherwise”, Independent, https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-books-tweet-ghostwriter-tim-o-brien-tony-schwartz-writer-response-a8431271.html
