Jesus Saves Money by Buying in Bulk and No, He’s Not a Prepper

Here’s His unorthodox approach to two Easters

Brian Abbey
Apr 17, 2020 · 4 min read
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Image by Helena Mohlin from Pixabay

Reporter: First, thanks for taking the time, Jesus. I know this is an unusually busy week for you, sandwiched between two Easters.

Jesus: Of course, thanks for having me.

Reporter: How does that work exactly — two Easters? Do you resurrect twice?

Jesus: Easter is only a commemorative day. I don’t resurrect every time it’s on the calendar.

Reporter: Ah, good. I thought it sounded a little tedious. I know it’s your greatest hit but surely you want to try some new material. I bet Bon Jovi gets tired of Living on a Prayer.

Jesus: Mm-hmm.

Reporter: Do they?

Jesus: Who?

Reporter: Bon Jovi. Do they get tired of singing Living on a Prayer?

Jesus: I’ve never asked.

Reporter: But, I mean, you know. Right? That’s your thing.

Jesus: That’s not my thing.

Reporter: Ehh, it’s one of your things — the all-knowing bit.

Jesus: Fine, yes, they get bored.

Reporter: I knew it! Oh! What number am I thinking of?

Jesus: Sorry?

Reporter: I have a number in my head. Tell me what it is.

Jesus: I’m not a psychic.

Reporter: But you kind of are, aren’t you?

Jesus:

Reporter:

Jesus: Really?

Reporter:(smiles)

Jesus: 5,127.

Reporter: Wow! That’s impressive. I bet you’re amazing at charades.

Jesus: I’ve never played.

Reporter: If you did you would be very good. But I guess that’s another of your things. Being good. Could you be bad? Is there a world where Jesus is bad?

Jesus: I could be anything and all things are possible.

Reporter: Ooooh, that is some wisdom dropped! You should write fortune cookies or personal affirmations. Do you ever want to be bad?

Jesus: No.

Reporter: Okay, but there must be a scale to your goodness. For instance, what’s the least good thing you have ever done?

Jesus: That’s actually an interesting question. I suppose it would be the water into wine miracle I performed at the wedding. I went with red wine but a crisp white would have paired better with the fish. I was nervous. I should have thought about it a little more.

Reporter: Interesting. Did anyone complain?

Jesus: One guy complained.

Reporter: There’s always that one guy, isn’t there?

Jesus: Always.

Reporter: I’m surprised you said the wine trick. I thought you were going to go with the feeding of all those people with the fish and the loaves.

Jesus: Miracle.

Reporter: What?

Jesus: You said ‘trick.’ I prefer ‘miracle’ and why did you think I’d say the feeding?

Reporter: You fed, what, a couple thousand?

Jesus: Five thousand.

Reporter: Okay, but why not go ahead and feed everyone? The whole planet gets a free lunch.

Jesus: Hmm, I still think white wine would have been better.

Reporter: Uh-huh. Well, back to Easter. I’m going to put you on the spot. Do you prefer Western Christianity traditions or Orthodox traditions?

Jesus: It’s the same for me.

Reporter: Having two separate Easters is like having two birthdays, isn’t it?

Jesus: Easter is not my birthday.

Reporter: You’re right. My bad. So, that first Easter arrives and you came out of your tomb. Did you then pop back in for a bit and rise again for the other Easter? Sort of like a twice-baked potato?

Jesus: Don’t compare me to a potato.

Reporter: Noted.

Jesus: You just learned about Easter, didn't you?

Reporter: Yes and that crucifixion thing sounded brutal, by the way.

Jesus: You mean being beaten within an inch of my life, nails driven through my feet and hands, stabbed, and hung on a cross until I died?

Reporter: Is that really a thing — the whole within an inch of my life? Can life be measured in inches?

Jesus: It’s a figure of speech.

Reporter: Oh, right. They said you were big on metaphors.

Jesus: Are we almost done here?

Reporter: Almost. Extra-terrestrials, real?

Jesus:

Reporter: Fair enough. Ok, final question — What’s on the Jesus household shopping list for Easter? Cadbury eggs? A little lamb?

Jesus: My Father’s house already has everything one could possibly need.

Reporter: Ah! You shop in bulk?

Jesus: Come again?

Reporter: You buy massive loads of stuff in one big shopping bonanza and then don’t sweat it for a long time.

Jesus: Sure.

Reporter: Oooooh, are you a prepper?

Jesus: I’m not a prepper.

Reporter: Alrighty then. That’s my scoop right there. Jesus buys in bulk. Thanks again for taking the time and Happy Easter.

Jesus: Thanks. Mind if I take one of these carrots with me?

Reporter: Sorry, those are for my next guest.

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Brian Abbey

Written by

writer (hack) entrepreneur (unemployable) expat (immigrant) philosopher (unemployable hack) humorist (who says that?)

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Brian Abbey

Written by

writer (hack) entrepreneur (unemployable) expat (immigrant) philosopher (unemployable hack) humorist (who says that?)

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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