Jesus Saves Money by Buying in Bulk and No, He’s Not a Prepper

Here’s His unorthodox approach to two Easters

Brian Abbey
Apr 17, 2020 · 4 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Image by Helena Mohlin from Pixabay

Reporter: First, thanks for taking the time, Jesus. I know this is an unusually busy week for you, sandwiched between two Easters.

Jesus: Of course, thanks for having me.

Reporter: How does that work exactly — two Easters? Do you resurrect twice?

Jesus: Easter is only a commemorative day. I don’t resurrect every time it’s on the calendar.

Reporter: Ah, good. I thought it sounded a little tedious. I know it’s your greatest hit but surely you want to try some new material. I bet Bon Jovi gets tired of Living on a Prayer.

Jesus: Mm-hmm.

Reporter: Do they?

Jesus: Who?

Reporter: Bon Jovi. Do they get tired of singing Living on a Prayer?

Jesus: I’ve never asked.

Reporter: But, I mean, you know. Right? That’s your thing.

Jesus: That’s not my thing.

Reporter: Ehh, it’s one of your things — the all-knowing bit.

Jesus: Fine, yes, they get bored.

Reporter: I knew it! Oh! What number am I thinking of?

Jesus: Sorry?

Reporter: I have a number in my head. Tell me what it is.

Jesus: I’m not a psychic.

Reporter: But you kind of are, aren’t you?



Jesus: Really?


Jesus: 5,127.

Reporter: Wow! That’s impressive. I bet you’re amazing at charades.

Jesus: I’ve never played.

Reporter: If you did you would be very good. But I guess that’s another of your things. Being good. Could you be bad? Is there a world where Jesus is bad?

Jesus: I could be anything and all things are possible.

Reporter: Ooooh, that is some wisdom dropped! You should write fortune cookies or personal affirmations. Do you ever want to be bad?

Jesus: No.

Reporter: Okay, but there must be a scale to your goodness. For instance, what’s the least good thing you have ever done?

Jesus: That’s actually an interesting question. I suppose it would be the water into wine miracle I performed at the wedding. I went with red wine but a crisp white would have paired better with the fish. I was nervous. I should have thought about it a little more.

Reporter: Interesting. Did anyone complain?

Jesus: One guy complained.

Reporter: There’s always that one guy, isn’t there?

Jesus: Always.

Reporter: I’m surprised you said the wine trick. I thought you were going to go with the feeding of all those people with the fish and the loaves.

Jesus: Miracle.

Reporter: What?

Jesus: You said ‘trick.’ I prefer ‘miracle’ and why did you think I’d say the feeding?

Reporter: You fed, what, a couple thousand?

Jesus: Five thousand.

Reporter: Okay, but why not go ahead and feed everyone? The whole planet gets a free lunch.

Jesus: Hmm, I still think white wine would have been better.

Reporter: Uh-huh. Well, back to Easter. I’m going to put you on the spot. Do you prefer Western Christianity traditions or Orthodox traditions?

Jesus: It’s the same for me.

Reporter: Having two separate Easters is like having two birthdays, isn’t it?

Jesus: Easter is not my birthday.

Reporter: You’re right. My bad. So, that first Easter arrives and you came out of your tomb. Did you then pop back in for a bit and rise again for the other Easter? Sort of like a twice-baked potato?

Jesus: Don’t compare me to a potato.

Reporter: Noted.

Jesus: You just learned about Easter, didn't you?

Reporter: Yes and that crucifixion thing sounded brutal, by the way.

Jesus: You mean being beaten within an inch of my life, nails driven through my feet and hands, stabbed, and hung on a cross until I died?

Reporter: Is that really a thing — the whole within an inch of my life? Can life be measured in inches?

Jesus: It’s a figure of speech.

Reporter: Oh, right. They said you were big on metaphors.

Jesus: Are we almost done here?

Reporter: Almost. Extra-terrestrials, real?


Reporter: Fair enough. Ok, final question — What’s on the Jesus household shopping list for Easter? Cadbury eggs? A little lamb?

Jesus: My Father’s house already has everything one could possibly need.

Reporter: Ah! You shop in bulk?

Jesus: Come again?

Reporter: You buy massive loads of stuff in one big shopping bonanza and then don’t sweat it for a long time.

Jesus: Sure.

Reporter: Oooooh, are you a prepper?

Jesus: I’m not a prepper.

Reporter: Alrighty then. That’s my scoop right there. Jesus buys in bulk. Thanks again for taking the time and Happy Easter.

Jesus: Thanks. Mind if I take one of these carrots with me?

Reporter: Sorry, those are for my next guest.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Sign up for The Haven's Newsletter

By The Haven

Now with More Nudity and a Patreon! Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Brian Abbey

Written by

writer (hack) entrepreneur (unemployable) expat (immigrant) philosopher (unemployable hack) humorist (who says that?)

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Brian Abbey

Written by

writer (hack) entrepreneur (unemployable) expat (immigrant) philosopher (unemployable hack) humorist (who says that?)

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store