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Jesus interrupts SNL headliner Kate McKinnon (playing Jeff Sessions) to remind the staff how much their jokes hurt POTUS’s feelings. (SNL)

Jesus Says: “Stop Teasing Donald”

The golden rule was meant for you, not him

Saturday Night Live’s audience members were delighted by the line-up of cameos on a show featuring blues guitarist Jack White and a host no one ever heard of. In the opening skit Ben Stiller and Robert de Niro faced off as Michael Cohen and Robert Mueller. The biggest surprise was delivered during a skit featuring Kate McKinnon as Attorney General Jeff Sessions (for the second time that evening).

McKinnon/Sessions delivered a joke about where the President inserts his phone to Tweet. At that moment Jesus Christ Almighty appeared from nowhere. At first the audience and cast thought Jesus was Ben Stiller adding improv to the skit. When the lights rose from underneath the stage and a heavenly choir drowned out the laugh track, the audience rose with applause.

“Stop teasing Donald,” Jesus implored McKinnon and the cast. “Can’t you see the pain you’re causing? Why do you think he acts out the way he does? It’s because no one has a nice word to say about him.”

“Can’t you see the pain you’re causing? Why do you think he acts out the way he does? It’s because no one has a nice word to say about him.”

Someone from the audience shouted, “What about the Republicans who drool like mastiffs to be the first ones to butter him up?”

“Do you think he cares about them?” Jesus answered. “He knows they’re infantile fawning suck-ups. Who wants praise from people looking for something in return. Everyone wants praise from the people it’s hardest to please.”

McKinnon ripped off her bald wig and tossed it at Jesus’ feet. Observers think she was upset since Christians have historically opposed Gay and Lesbian rights. “What about the Golden Rule? Trump gives people the golden dump.”

“Kate, Kate,” Jesus said, “the golden rule was meant for you. Not people like Donald. They live by the rich man’s curse: ‘Expect people to shit on you because you’ll shit on them at the first opportunity.’”

“The golden rule was meant for you. Not people like Donald. They live by the rich man’s curse: ‘Expect people to shit on you because you’ll shit on them at the first opportunity.’”

Dumfounded, the audience contemplated Jesus’ words. Lorne Michaels walked onto the stage and promised the would staff never pick on the President again.

Jesus bathed Michaels’ feet, blessed him and announced, “Just kidding. If anyone on earth deserves ridicule — and remember I was around for Nero, Stalin and Nixon — if anyone deserves ridicule it’s the President.”

When he finished his sentence, Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd joined the conversation dressed as the Czechoslovakian brothers. They shouted, “We are three wild and crazy guys” then exchanged a round of high fives and silly hand signs.

Jesus continued, “Donald expects everyone to break the laws and bully the helpless for him, and what does he do when the law closes in? He throws them to the wolves. Then he uses my name for an endorsement. Light the fires early, kids, the President deserves the longest roasting in the history of roasting.”

“Just kidding…Light the fires early, kids, the President deserves the longest roasting in the history of roasting.”

The show garnered lukewarm ratings, but posts of the clip on social media went viral within the hour.

When asked afterward why Jesus chose to appear on a venue like SNL rather than a religious broadcast, he said, “These people will pay attention. I could talk until the universe dies from entropy and those losers who say they’re my followers won’t listen.”

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.