Military fashion
Just Call Me Admiral
The secret to earning respect: uniforms for everyone!
It didn’t take me long to realize military life was not for me. About three weeks to be exact. All of that saluting, inspections and only ten minutes to shit, shower and shave just weren’t for me. But, to be fair, I did gain respect for some of its age-old practices. Especially uniforms.
Ever since the Sargon of Agade conquered the Sumerian cities of Mesopotamia in 2250 BC, the military has cleverly used uniforms and insignias to identify individuals who have earned distinction and respect through their experience, training and if nothing else, the raw tenacity to put up with the military way of life.
Of course, rank isn’t always an accurate indicator of capabilities. As a seaman, I was constantly harassed by new ensigns. The only difference between the two of us was they had college degrees and I didn’t. Nevertheless, you could always tell where exactly where you stood just by looking at the uniform they wore.
Are you the janitor or the CEO?
After starting a new job last year and meeting dozens of people, I quickly became mired in so many new acquaintances and names, I quickly forgot who was who and what they did. Were they the CEO or a mail room clerk? Did they deserve respect for spending twenty years clawing their way up the corporate ladder, or were they the janitor? It occurred to me how great it would be if the civilian world adopted the practice of wearing uniforms, or at the very least, ranks and insignias. It could start from the first day you were born.
Newborns would be awarded one stripe the minute they popped out of the womb — sort of like the rank of seaman recruit in boot camp. The only thing you have to do to earn your first stripe is continue to breathe, and take a stab at following directions. For every phase of school you completed, you would earn additional stripes: seaman apprentice for getting through grade school, seaman for high school, ensign for finishing four years of college, commander and captain for master’s degrees and admiral if you earned a PhD. If you chose the other route and went to trade schools, you could work your way up the chain of command from petty officer third class to master chief petty officer.
Like members of the 101st Airborne, you might wear an insignia on your shoulder to help everyone acknowledge your background and expertise. Stay at home moms would sport a picture of a station wagon crammed with screaming kids. People in the world of finance would show off a broken dollar sign. Teachers would sport a bullwhip and hookers might display a used condom.
Naturally, the richest and most successful people like Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Christy Walton would wear gold shoulder boards and epaulets with bullion fringe. Those with management jobs would wear gold braided citation shoulder cords and have the freedom to choose whatever headgear they wished from berets to campaign hats, Coonskin, Bearskin, Russian Military, Bicorne hats or a Pope’s Mitre.
For special occasions, it’s likely everyone — from the lowest enlisted man to the highest Admiral — would cast away their work uniforms in favor of dress attire that included white leggings, red sashes worn diagonally across their chest and possibly a fez or turban. Oh, and a sword.
Other helpful distinctions used by the military are ribbons and medals for achievement. Over time, if you achieved your goals and demonstrated unparalleled leadership, you could accumulate quite a chest full of fruit salad. They went along with hash marks worn on your sleeve to indicate how many years you’ve persevered military service. Civilian uniforms could have the same thing.
Above and beyond the call of duty
In addition to the common awards like the Good Conduct Medal that you received at your annual review, high school teachers could earn the Distinguished Service Cross and Combat Action Ribbons. Second grade teachers would automatically earn the Congressional Medal of Honor on the first day of class— the highest award given to a civilian for “conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his or her life above and beyond the call of duty while engaged in an action against the youth of the United States” — even though most of them would probably be awarded posthumously.
Anyone stuck in low paying jobs they hated but kept because they desperately needed the money would be eligible for the Prisoner of War Ribbon. Mothers would be awarded various ribbons for having children — baby blue for boys and pink for girls, with silver oak clusters if they had twins, and gold oak clusters if they had triplets or more.
Anyone surviving a divorce would automatically be awarded a Purple Heart. Celebrities in the entertainment industry like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton might earn five or six Purple Hearts before they retired.
Of course, like any new policy, there would likely be challenges. For instance, enlisted civilians and low-ranking officers would have to salute senior officers in passing, everywhere they went — at the supermarket, Walmart, the dentist’s office and swap meets. Like the military, civilian officers would be prohibited from fraternizing with enlisted personnel.
Today, if an employee turns out to be a bad apple, they’re fired and a month later they have another job — probably better than the one they left. With the new civilian uniform guidelines, employers would be required to ceremoniously strip the scofflaw of their rank and break their sword over their knee in front of the entire office staff, then literally drum them out of the building.
When interviewing for a new job, the applicant would have to explain the frayed stitching and dark area where their stripes used to be and why they only had half a sword. It could work the other way, too. If an employee struggled single-handedly to successfully bring in the McAfee account, unit supervisors would have the authority to award them field promotions — effectively outranking the no good creep they had to work for all last year.
A priest, a rabbi and a hooker go into a bar…
I know it’s unlikely that civilian companies are likely to adopt the military tradition of uniforms, but it seemed to make a lot of sense to me when I was ceremoniously sent home for three days without pay for telling an off-color joke to our new Mormon chief financial officer.
But, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know who she was.
