Justin Timberlake’s Christmas Carol
“I am down, on my knees, I can’t take it anymore!” he begs generically.
Chapter 1: A Solo Christmas Eve
’Twas Christmastime in Hollywood and the Britney Spears memoir had a flurry of scandal blathering its hills. And where shall we find Justin Timberlake? He is tucked away at home, all alone, watching old NSYNC music videos…
As the Apple Watch chimes midnight, Timberlake slumps into an uneasy slumber. The haunting beat of a Harpsichord — oh! — what nightmare is this? The “Gimme More” video illuminates before him. Then, a shadowy figure emerges from the screen, “This must be a Director’s cut,” he squeaks with hope.
“It’s Britney, bitch.”
Timberlake gapes at his ex-lover in disbelief, “Why did you write those mean things about me?” Britney brays with amusement, “Cry me a river.”
Timberlake scrambles towards the door, but Britney’s countenance is cast upon its handle, “You will be visited by three pop stars tonight.”
“Why me?” Timberlake asks in boyish distress. “You’re toxic,” she carols as Timberlake loses consciousness.
Chapter 2: The Pop Star of Christmas Past
The Apple Watch chimes 1 o’clock and Timberlake wakes to an angelic voice, “I’ll take you back to your childhood, to remind you of your inherent goodness.” And so, Lance Bass escorts Timberlake to the 1992 set of the Mickey Mouse Club, where a tiny Jessica Simpson cries backstage.
“Ew, you totally blew your audition!” taunts a young Timberlake. Lance grimly faces his old friend, “Wow, I didn’t realize you were always this awful. I don’t think I can help you.”
Chapter 3: The Pop Star of Christmas Present
Timberlake is returned to his basement where Youtube streams NSYNC’s “It’s Gonna Be Me” video. Timberlake immediately falls into the choreography, desperately mirroring his younger pop star self.
“What a performance!” claps JC Chasez. Timberlake beams at his former boy bandmate, “Join me! It’ll be our little reunion.” JC chuckles, “Later. I need to show you something important.”
They’re transported to a Christmas dinner, where Timberlake’s wife Jessica Biel is seated amongst family. JC places a hand on Timberlake’s shoulder, “Don’t you see what you’re missing? Why not take accountability? Then, maybe your wife won’t be so disgusted with you.”
Timberlake slaps JC’s hand away, “I thought you were going to show me something important!” JC moonwalks away in horror.
Chapter 4: The Pop Star of Christmas Yet To Come
The Apple Watch chimes 2 o’clock and the room turns black. “You must atone!” a booming voice demands. A perplexed Timberlake flexes his biceps towards the voice, “I do CrossFit.” A phantom hand strikes Timberlake across the face, propelling him into a record studio.
The NSYNC Reunion Tour contract appears before him.
“We’ve assigned top PR to Timberlake, but he’s unwilling to make a public apology,” says a music executive. “It would be unwise for us to continue with this tour.”
The NSYNC contract bursts into flames.
A veiled figure approaches, Timberlake cries “Who now?” The veil falls and Timberlake cowers in fear, “JANET?”
“That’s Miss Jackson, since you’re nasty,” Janet Jackson coolly instructs. “Your music career will end if you don’t take full accountability of your dirty deeds.”
“Like what?” Timberlake whines. Janet howls with feminist rage and flames circle the room. “I am down, on my knees, I can’t take it anymore!” he begs generically. The room suddenly goes black.
Chapter 5: Christmas Day
The Apple Watch chimes 6 o’clock and Timberlake wakes up in his Beverly Hills mansion. All is peaceful, as Youtube has ceased its auto-play.
“It was just a dream!” Timberlake squeals. “And I’m not sorry for shit.”
He scratches his chest — oh! — what’s this? He removes his shirt to discover his pec to be adorned with — AHH! — the very nipple shield he ripped from Janet Jackson during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show!
Timberlake bursts into flames.
And from Britney to Janet to the Jessicas, a Merry Christmas was had for all!
