Keir Starmer: Motion Sickness.
In the UK parliament on Wednesday during the Gaza ceasefire vote, Scottish National Party MP Anun Qaisar asked,”….What did you do when Gaza was being relentlessly bombed….?”
Well, we know someone in Camden Market, north London, decided to use a Palestinian flag sticker to cover up a Star of David necklace on a statue of local lass, Amy Winehouse. That’s told Israel innit.
Well, we also know that a Muslim Manchester woman has been left too scared to sleep in her own home after a brick was thrown through her front window, where she had placed a Palestinian flag. That’s told Hamas innit.
With a lot of hatred flying around because of Israel’s war on Gaza…
1st Person: It’s the “Israel–Hamas war” you fucking idiot.
See what I mean?
Anyway, what better time than right now, to have a debate in Westminster on a ceasefire vote? People are reasonable. They will not wish you ill if you don’t agree with them.
Also on Wednesday, Stephen Flynn, SNP Westminster Group Leader said, “….We are all here tonight to vote on the civilian deaths in Gaza and the appalling situation faced by nationals in Israel too.” The government withdrew from the debate, and Plaid Cymru, SNP and Tory MPs walked out in protest over the handling of the vote. That’s shown the Middle East innit.
Coincidentally, apparently dogged by internal divisions over Gaza, the Leader of the Labour Party of the United Kingdom, Sir Keir Starmer, a man so ordinary that he likes to keep reminding us he grew up Working Class, has had some busy by-election weeks.
Last week, apparently dogged by internal divisions over Gaza, Labour had a good by-election week and won two by-elections from the Tories. This week, apparently dogged by internal divisions over Gaza, Labour had a bad by-election week. The Rochdale constituency, a safe Labour seat, no longer has a Labour candidate because the Labour party suspended their candidate, Azhar Ali, over, “Israel comments.” “Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory,” springs to mind.
A week is a long time in politics….
1st Person: Get on with it.
Oh to be a fly on the wall.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Early Afternoon, Sunday 18th February
Me: ….Ay up. I’ve never been to a Scottish Labour conference before.
Fly: Haud yer Wheesht!
Me: So much for the Scottish welcome.
Fly: Hush!
Keir Starmer: ….What we all want to see … [is] an end to the fighting not just now, not just for a pause, but permanently. A ceasefire that lasts … that is what must happen now.
1st Scottish Labour Party member: Finally he listens to us Scots.
2nd Scottish Labour Party member: ….I don’t want to dwell on the past….
1st Scottish Labour Party member: But you will eh?
2nd Scottish Labour Party member: Aye, so considering his thing is being forensic, he really fucked up when he answered that question about whether Israel had the right to cut off power and water.
1st Scottish Labour Party member: Be fair now. Context is everything.
2nd Scottish Labour Party member: OK. He really fucked up, again, when he answered that question.
Early Evening, Tuesday 20th February
Keir Starmer:….So, upfront in the motion we’ll have, “That this House believes that an Israeli ground offensive in Rafah risks catastrophic humanitarian consequences and therefore must not take place,” in the middle we’ll have, “supports Australia, Canada and New Zealand’s calls for Hamas to release and return all hostages and for an immediate humanitarian ceasefire” and at the back we’ll have, “statehood is the inalienable right of the Palestinian people and not in the gift of any neighbour….”
Rachel Reeves, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer: Why is it always football with him?
Keir Starmer: ….Boom! Eat my goal!
Angela Rayner, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party: That’s fucking hilarious.
Keir Starmer: Gingernuts. The situation in Gaza is extremely serious.
Angela Rayner: I’m not laughing at that you fucking idiot, Anas has sent me a funny vid.
Keir Starmer: Have you honestly never seen Douglas Ross fall over at that Scottish Cup Final?
Angela Rayner: ‘Course I have. Still fucking hilarious. Ooo. I’ve got an alert. Fucking hell. “Trident missile misfired and crashed into ocean during rare test launch.”
John Healey, Shadow Secretary of State for Defence: Yeah, I know.
David Lammy, Shadow Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs: You know?!? How?
John Healey: Got a secret recording….
Rachel Reeves: Where are all these secret recordings coming from?
John Healey: Here, listen. It’s Grant Shapps arriving on the submarine….
[voice of] Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Defence: Mornin’ lads. Oh, and lasses. Well, lass, er, able seawoman…. Ooo! What does this button do?
Late Morning, Wednesday 21st February
Me: ….Why are all the walls painted tartan in the SNP Westminster office?
Fly: Tartan isnae a colour.
Me: Wait, you’re Scottish?!?
Fly: Wheesht.
Mhairi Black, SNP Westminster Deputy Leader: ….There are reports of Labour MPs getting dogs abuse on the socials.
Stephen Flynn, SNP Westminster Group Leader: I warned him, If Keir Starmer votes against the SNP motion for an immediate ceasefire because we are rightly calling out the collective punishment of the people of Gaza, he will not be forgiven. Later when we all vote we’ll show the world who really cares about Gaza.
Mhairi Black: Some are saying we should’ve included condemning Hamas in the motion.
Stephen Flynn: We left it out this time cos we wanted more attention. Naebody tells the SNP what to do!
Mhairi Black: Naebody!
Stephen Flynn: Freedom of speech.
Mhairi Black: Freedom of expression.
Stephen Flynn and Mhairi Black: Freeee-dom!
Mid afternoon, Thursday 22nd February
Keir Starmer [watching video on laptop]: Yes. That’s it. Yes. Yes.
[door bursts open]
Angela Rayner: Surprise!
Keir Starmer: Gingernuts!! [slams laptop shut] You know I hate surprises.
Angela Rayner [reaches for laptop]: What you upto?
Keir Starmer [grips laptop]: Do you mind?
Angela Rayner [grabs laptop]: Fingers. Move ’em or lose ‘em.
Keir Starmer: I can explain….
Angela Rayner: Fuck’s sake. Will you ever get bored of watching Arsenal winning the league?
Keir Starmer [looks at painting on wall]: Oh, Arsene…. So, what can I do for you?
Angela Rayner: I thought you might want to know what the Working Classes….
Keir Starmer: Working People.
Angela Rayner: Working Classes, thought of Wednesday’s events in Parliament.
Keir Starmer: “Parliament backs Labour motion. A memorable day for the Opposition when it showed it would be on the right side of history?”
Angela Rayner: A fucking shitshow.
Keir Starmer: I got a text from Anas. “SNP. In bed with the Tories.” Don’t get it.
Angela Rayner: So much for being forensic. So, did you put pressure on Lindsay?
Keir Starmer: I can categorically tell you that I did not threaten the Speaker in any way whatsoever.
Angela Rayner: Fair enough…. I didn’t know you had a tortoise.
Keir Starmer: I, er, don’t. I’m babysitting it, for, er, someone.
Angela Rayner: ….Lindsay’s got a tortoise hasn’t he?
Keir Starmer: I have no idea. Stop staring at it. You’re upsetting it!
Angela Rayner: OK mate. So what happens if Azhar wins the by election next week?
Keir Starmer: Post investigation, we welcome him back into the fold. Some diversity, equity, and inclusion training and a visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau will sort it out.
Angela Rayner: You don’t think he’s burnt his bridges, he’s basically fucked?
Keir Starmer: OK. A visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau, then, some diversity, equity, and inclusion training.
Angela Rayner: I don’t know why you wouldn’t let us come clean that we initially kept hold of him cos members of the Jewish community still reluctantly supported him.
Keir Starmer: What?!? Blame the Jews? Have you learnt nothing?
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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