Keir Starmer: Starmerlarmadingdong Rochdalegoodbye.
End of last week, Lee Anderson, a man who likes the sound of his own voice and also a man so Working Class, he ends every sentence with, “Did I tell ya I used to be a Miner?” was suspended from the Conservative Party for….
1st Person: Whoa whoa whoa. You just said he likes the sound of his own voice, why repeat what he said?
Me: Fair play.
On Wednesday, during Prime Minister’s Questions, Stephen Flynn, SNP Westminster Group Leader said, “….This government on three occasions at the United Nations has abstained when it could’ve voted for a ceasefire. Abstentionism is not leadership….” This from the man who last week may have shouted, “Up the road!” as he marched his party out the chamber and denied them an opportunity to vote to approve a Labour motion backing an “immediate humanitarian ceasefire” in Israel and Gaza.
There is still a lot of hatred flying around because of the Israel–Hamas war….
1st Person: It’s “Israel’s war on Gaza” you fucking arsehole.
See what I mean?
Anyway, the Leader of the Labour Party of the United Kingdom, Sir Keir Starmer, a man so ordinary that he likes to keep reminding us that he is an Arsenal fan, managed to lose a safe Labour seat to the Leader of the Workers Party of Britain (For Rochdale. For Gaza. For nearly £90,000 a year. For expenses.) George Galloway. Nope, it’s not just you, I’ve never heard of the party either.
You hear that? That’s the sound of the media wanking itself silly.
So, a week is a long time in politics…. Blah blah blah, oh to be a fly on the wall.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Early Evening, Tuesday 27th February
Me: ….This is a nice neighbourhood hub with an old worldy charm.
Fly: It’s a community centre mate.
1st Journalist: ….Where is he?
2nd Journalist: It’s his press conference he’ll be late if he wants to.
1st Journalist: Whilst we’re waiting, there’s a game we can play. There’s an online version…. Here we go. What’s that?
[shows cartoon of Rabbi pulling strings of politician puppets]
2nd Journalist: That’s an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory.
1st Journalist: OK. What’s this?
[shows cartoon of Muslim Iman pulling strings of politician puppets]
2nd Journalist: That’s legitimate criticism of London Mayor Sadiq Khan who’s a Muslim. No, no. It’s legitimate criticism of the Met’s policing of the pro Palestinian demos in a city with a large Muslim population. Ooo, no, I’ve got it. It’s legitimate criticism of Keir Starmer whose party has over a dozen Muslim MPs in it. Wait! It’s legitimate criticism of northern and Midlands Labour Councils with large Muslim populations….
1st Journalist: OK mate. No one likes a show off.
2nd Journalist [looking around the room]: ….I see there’s a lot of non-Whites in the room supporting Galloway. So much for rejecting ‘White Saviours’ eh?
1st Journalist: I wonder if he thinks he can speak for an entire religion?
2nd Journalist: He’s not a Muslim, I doubt he’s that arrogant.
[George Galloway enters the room]
Journalist: Fashionably late Mr Galloway? A Local lad like you’s not got far to travel.
George Galloway: You should be saluting my indefatigability and not showing such contempt. Next question!
Journalist: Mr Galloway, in 2019 you were sacked from your TalkRadio show over “anti-Semitic” views after you said Liverpool’s victory over Tottenham Hotspur in the Champions League final meant there would be “no Israel flags on the cup”. Do you regret saying what you said Mr Galloway?
George Galloway: I do not.
Journalist: Why not?
George Galloway: There is a difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism.
Journalist: So what is this difference?
George Galloway: If I am accused of anti-Semitism it is clearly anti-Zionism. Next question.
Journalist: Do you regret “for one-time only”, supporting Nigel Farage’s Party and voting Brexit?
George Galloway: We exited the EU in 2016. The country has moved on. So should you. Next question.
Local Resident: What!?! You actually voted Brexit!?!
George Galloway: I’ve already answered that question. Next question.
Local Resident: If you voted Brexit you’re a racist isn’t it.
George Galloway: That is an anti Brexit trope. Next question
Journalist: Mr Galloway you said that you are standing to, “teach Labour a lesson.” What is the lesson exactly?
George Galloway: If you expel me from the party, I will haunt you for the rest of your days. Next question.
Local Resident: What about the potholes?
George Galloway: They are not potholes. They are Israeli bomb craters. Next question.
Local Resident: Will you do something about the bins?
George Galloway: Thanks to the Israeli bombardment there are no bins in Gaza. Next question.
Local Resident: The government is offering 30 hours free childcare, however none of the local nurseries can provide it. Will you put pressure on the government to fund the scheme properly?
George Galloway: As a father of six children by three different mothers, I too care about children. The Israeli Defence Force does not. Next question.
Journalist: Mr Galloway, in 2012 you won the Bradford West by-election triggered by the resignation of Labour MP Marsha Singh who retired due to ill health. Mr Singh tragically died four months after resigning. In 2017 you unsuccessfully stood in the Manchester Gorton by-election that was triggered by the death of the sitting Labour MP Sir Gerald Kaufman. This year you are standing in our Rochdale by-election triggered by the death of Labour MP Sir Tony Lloyd. Is this all a coincidence?
George Galloway: Yes. Next question.
Journalist: Historically you’ve relied on the Muslim vote to deliver you electoral success. Do you think Lee Anderson’s comments were Islamophobic?
George Galloway: Lee Anderson is not a Labour politician. Next question.
Local Resident: George, are you confident that you’ll win?
George Galloway: Yes. I love Muslims and the Muslims love me. Unlike Labour, I do not take them for granted. Thank-you for coming.
Early Evening Wednesday 28th February
Me: ….This is a nice urban bar with an old worldy charm.
Fly: It’s a pub mate.
1st Local Resident: I don’t know who to vote for tomorrow. I were all set to vote for Councillor Azhar but then them shitty things he said about Jews came out.
2nd Local Resident: What about Galloway?
1st Local Resident: Well he’s said some shitty things full stop.
2nd Local Resident: There’s always the Lib Dems? I mean ignore the fact that they suspended their council candidate for campaigning for Galloway.
1st Local Resident: Politics is shit. Fuck it. I’ll vote Green.
2nd Local Resident: Can’t vote Green.
1st Local Resident: Why not? I care about the planet. Plus they care about the situation in Gaza.
2nd Local Resident: The party withdrew their endorsement of their candidate when some of his old social media posts resurfaced. In 2013 he said on Twitter that the Quran was “not fit for the 21st century”.
1st Local Resident: Politics is fucked.
Early Morning, Friday 1st March
Keir Starmer: ….What a nightmare!
Angela Rayner: You need to move on. Liverpool won the FA Cup.
Keir Starmer: Have you no heart Gingernuts?
Angela Rayner: So, the shitshows over, people didn’t turn out for Azhar and we lost the seat to Galloway. What now?
Keir Starmer: We went through this last week. We send Azhar on….
Angela Rayner: You serious? He caused a shitstorm, why let him rejoin….? Diversity innit?
Keir Starmer: My Labour party is a very broad church.
Angela Rayner [mutters]: Fucking Middle Class liberals.
Keir Starmer: I grew up Working Class remember Gingernuts. My hearing is impeccable.
Angela Rayner: [coughs “Wanker”]
Keir Starmer: Why are you thanking me?
Angela Rayner: ….Lindsay’s def got a tortoise. Apparently its not been seen for at least a week….
Keir Starmer: I told you before, stop staring at it. You’re upsetting it!
Angela Rayner [reading news alert]: Fuck’s sake! Is your health OK?
Keir Starmer: Yes, why?
Angela Rayner: There’s a rumour going round that Galloway will give up Rochdale to stand against you in the general election.
Keir Starmer: Perhaps I ought to go see my GP.
Angela Rayner: Good luck with that mate.
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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