Kurt Vonnegut on Melania Trump: The First First Lady to Do Doodley Squat

Elizabeth Collins
Aug 7, 2017 · 2 min read

(An amendment to “Breakfast of Champions”)

For many years there have been First Ladies. Women who decided it was a good idea to marry Men who wanted to run The United States of America. Some of these Ladies had foreknowledge of the fact such Men wanted their entire schedules filled with things like War, solving Poverty, and hanging out with people who would love to put a bullet inside of their Man’s head. Some Ladies did not have foreknowledge. I imagine Melania is one of those Ladies.

First Ladies do not get paid doodley squat. The Constitution of The United States of America doesn’t mention First Ladies. Yet people expect a lot of them. They want First Ladies to be one thousand times better than whatever they expect of a typical Woman from their era. Strangely enough, expectations have been about the same for the past two hundred years. Typically, it involves dressing smart, knowing the correct fork, and caring about children. If you try to do more than that the People of The United States of America might want to put a bullet inside of your head too.

There was a First Lady in the era of the 1990s who appeared to be as smart as her Husband and wanted to do more than pick out Christmas napkins. Some people hated her for that. But some people started to think she could be the President instead of her husband. For the first time it donned on people that Ladies could even be Presidents. In the era of the 2010s, that Lady ran for president, but she lost to Melania’s husband. I doubt Melania is going to run for President.

First Ladies shouldn’t have to do doodley squat if they don’t want to. They shouldn’t have to wear fancy gowns, or solve Poverty. But First Ladies should be President if they want to. If a Lady ever does become President, then all the First Ladies will be emancipated from doing doodley squat ever again.

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