Kylie Jenner and her Tweets Are Gonna Make Me Rich!
I have decided my kids’ college educations, my retirement nest egg and my overall financial well-being may rest with Kylie Jenner.
The youngest sibling of the Kardashian reality TV clan recently sent Snapchat‘s stock plunging more than 7 percent — over $1 billion in market value — via a single tweet confessing she was turning away from the image messaging app popular with the 18 to 34 set.
“sooo does anyone else not open Snapchat anymore? Or is it just me… ugh this is so sad,” tweeted Jenner.
The tweet reportedly cost Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel tens of millions of dollars, although I don’t feel that sorry for the 27-year-old tech billionaire. In fact, I’d post my utter indifference via Snapchat if I, like all cellphone users born prior to 1984, could ever figure out how to use it. Last summer, in a futile effort to show my children I’m hip, I posted my one and only snap. It was a brief video of me waving my phone around the backyard, my off-screen voice saying, “Am I doing this right?” and my daughter replying, “Dad, you realize everybody using Snapchat can see what you’re filming.”
That was enough.
But if Kylie Jenner can send markets skyrocketing or reeling just because of her affection or disdain for publicly traded companies and their products, perhaps it’s time I make her aware of my portfolio’s contents. With one daughter in college, her sibling set to enter the higher education ranks in three years and yet another increase in my health insurance premiums, I’d like to see a 20 percent gain in 2018. Kylie, I’m counting on you.
Let’s start with McDonald’s . The stock has performed admirably for me over the years, but, history shows, the Golden Arches are always one fast food flop away from disaster. Remember the Arch Deluxe? How about Salad Shakers? The McDLT? Trust me, longtime shareholders like me won’t soon forget them. Neither will our IRAs.
Kylie, here’s where you can help. You recently became a mom, right? Which means your future will soon contain lengthy visits to McDonald’s, where you’ll while away the day with other moms as the kids frolic in the Play Place. I look forward to a smiling selfie of you munching on some delicious McDonald’s fries or a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. So do my children, one of whom is talking grad school.
I also own Costco stock. Kylie, have you ever shopped there? You can buy cashews in industrial drums! There’s a warehouse in Marina Del Rey, just six miles from your Beverly Hills digs. Pack up your newborn and bring an appetite, because Costco hands out free samples. During the market crash of 2008–09, those samples constituted my family’s lunch once a week. Don’t forget your phone, Kylie, because I’m counting on at least one selfie of you standing next to your Costco cart, overflowing with a 192-count box of Huggies diapers and a 900-count box of Kirkland Signature Baby Wipes.
Finally, my Home Depot stock is on a roll. Kylie, please ensure it stays that way. On your way home from Costco, please stop at the outlet on Sunset Boulevard. Pick up a cordless drill, a weed trimmer, even a small tube of bathroom caulk. Just make sure you photograph yourself in the self-checkout line and include a message like, “sooo who besides me LOVES to go to @HomeDepot when it’s time to seal their bathroom fixtures?” Can you let me know a day before you post so I can purchase some more shares? That’s not insider trading, is it?
Kylie, I look forward to seeing your posts. And who knows? Maybe with my newfound wealth, you and I can explore some other investment opportunities.
Which begs the question: Is it possible for you to take a selfie with Bitcoin?
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator of the web series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.”
