Lady Refuses To Move Bag On Public Transit
Ruins the next fifteen minutes of your life
Jessica was witnessing an event that you will never forget, because never has this happened to you before.
One minute, you’re scrolling through the internet.
The next minute you click on a story that says “Lady Gets Schooled By Other Passengers For Refusing To Move Bag.”
And that’s when you got excited. You like to see a lady get schooled. Who can blame you? Watching rude, unsociable people get their comeuppance almost makes life worth living.
Next
And now here you are, scrolling through slides of this clickbait nightmare. And the very first slide you see is really annoying.
An empty subway car.
Why do we need to see that? Is that setting up some sort of context for the story — this is what an empty subway car looks like before a rude woman with a bag gets on? — or is it just wasting our time.
You’re not sure.
Remember, there is this promise of a lady getting schooled. Maybe they paddle her behind with a paddle? Or worse! Oh you can’t wait, can you?
Next, the Etiquette of Public Transit
Oh, do we really need a lesson on etiquette? I think we get it. If you have your bag on a seat, and there are no other seats, move the bag.
This isn’t rocket science.
Next, It Was The End of Another Busy Day
OK, OK, we’ve all had busy days. We get it. Moving on. What happened?
Next, New York Trains Are Very Congested
Really? You don’t say? Well, that is so interesting. But honestly, I don’t think they are that congested. Have you ever seen Tokyo trains, where they have to literally push you into the train car? That’s congested.
Take a look:
Next, She Hunts For A Vacant Seat
Jessica goes up and down the car after her busy day, and lo and behold, she finds a seat. Only one problem? Can you guess what it was?
Gosh you are so smart! You know what, instead of reading clickbait slide shows you should read astrophysics or something.
That’s right, there was a bag on the seat. And it belonged to a woman. Do you know who this woman was?
That’s right! She’s the woman who is about to get schooled.
But first, I’d like to ask you, why are you so obsessed with watching a woman get schooled? Are you a sadist? Do you practice BDSM?
Next, It’s Probably Just Passive Aggression
We’re going to take a little detour from the train right now, to talk about psychology. And how human beings have to repress their basic instincts, like their sadism and their delight in seeing a woman getting schooled.
You don’t want to go to an S&M club and watch someone get whipped, or whip someone yourself. That’s creepy.
It’s so much less creepy to watch a stranger in a clickbait slide show get her comeuppance. And it gets you off just as much, and you can still pretend to be a nice person.
Next, The Shadow Self
But your shadow self is not a nice person. Take a look in the mirror. Guess what, it’s like that movie The Black Swan, where Natalie Portman keeps seeing herself in the mirror, but not herself. Her dark self. Her evil self. It was awesome.
But that movie, can I say. So pre MeToo. My goodness, she gets molested by the ballet director and then ultimately decides to go up to him and smooch him to show that she’s learned to “feel”.
OMG. Throw up. Throw up. Throw up. How did they make these movies before MeToo? So gross. And yet, nobody noticed. They heaped awards on the damn show. The academy award for being totally creepy and gross — The Black Swan!
Next, Getting Back to the Bag on the Train
Sorry about that little rant. But anyhow, about this bag. Well, you know the woman refuses to move the bag. And the poor girl Jessica, she probably bursts out crying or something.
I’m not sure. I’ve got the clickbait slide show open on another tab here in Google Chrome. Be right back.
Next, The Lady had Her Headphones On
And pretended not to hear Jessica. Bitch! That fucking bitch! I would have taken that woman’s purse off the seat and clocked her right in the ugly face with it. No passive aggression for me. I’ve had a lifelong struggle with impulse control.
Like I couldn’t control myself about fifteen minutes ago when I had the sadistic idea to make a clickbait story about a woman with a bag on a seat and trick you into sitting through it.
Next, A Security Officer Passes By And Sees The Purse On The Seat
And it’s a Luis Vitton purse by the way, so that bitch I wanted to slap was a rich bitch, I forgot to say that.
So now, to your passive aggression, you can add jealousy and greed to the mix, along with a nice dose of AUTHORITARIANISM.
See, because Jessica and you are going to rely on this SECURITY OFFICER to do what you weren’t brave enough to do yourself — slap a bitch?
This is fine, only it’s also how fascism gets so popular. The whole population projects their insecurities and frustrations onto authorities like police, the army, the militia, et cetera.
Next thing you know we live in District 12 and this is the fucking Hunger Games, y’all, so careful what you wish for, just sayin’.
Next, The Woman Insults Jessica
“You’re not disabled,” she says. “Why should I give you this seat?”
That ticks the Security Officer off big time. He speaks on his phone and he tells the train to hold there in the station.
Next, The Passengers Pile On
This is called the mob mentality. All the other passengers in the train start yelling at this woman, telling her that she is delaying the train and to move her purse and to stop being a stupid bitch.
It’s awesome. Because the woman still refuses to move her bag.
Jessica doesn’t want to make a scene. So she says, don’t worry about it, to the security officer. And she goes down the train car looking for another empty seat.
Meanwhile, in Another Part of The Train…
A kid is sitting on the bench with his feet up on the bench, playing video games.
What?
How can this be happening?
Two completely inconsiderate assholes in the same train car?
Meanwhile, Jessica doesn’t notice, but…
Back at the lady with her Luis Vitton purse, the passengers have gotten so pissed at that rude woman who won’t move her bag, that they descend on her like a pack of dogs and start ripping her limb from limb.
Jessica is so mad that she doesn’t even notice a bloody disembodied arm flying past her and landing on the train floor.
They’re New Yorkers, remember.
The poor Security Officer gets blood all over his face. He starts hyperventilating, he calls for backup. It’s too much for him! So much for authoritarianism. That cop should apply for a job in Texas. (Too soon? Sorry!)
Meanwhile, Jessica asks the kid to move his feet.
The kid doesn’t look up from his game.
Jessica notices that the kid’s mother is right there, listening to her iPhone and letting her son behave this way.
Talk about awful parenting!
Next, Jessica’s had enough!
She does something that surprises everyone! She sits down on the kid’s legs, causing him compound fractures of the tibia, the fibula, and the metatarsal bones.
But the mother doesn’t even look up from her iPhone.
Talk about terrible parenting.
Jessica finally gets her seat.
Next, The Video Goes Viral
A passenger had filmed everything on his phone, unbeknownst to Jessica. The video captured the first woman with the purse, who got every limb torn from her body and who bled out right there on the train. It also captured the wimpy security officer who fainted at the sight of blood.
Finally, it also captured Jessica sitting on the kid’s legs and you can even hear the bones cracking when she sits down.
The man posted this on Twitter,
“Just another day in the New York subway.”
It got millions of retweets and Jessica is a minor celebrity, even if she is serving a ten-year sentence for assault of a minor.
Next, Some Moralizing
Don’t blame me for this sick story. You wanted to see a comeuppance. What did you expect it to be, the woman escorted off the train by police? The kid getting yelled at by his mother? What’s your problem? Are you sadistic or masochistic, I can’t tell which?
I’m gonna hit a bondage club later tonight though. Hit me up. You think I made you suffer for the last fifteen minutes while you read this story? Wait till you see what I do to you after I make you put on a latex mask and zip it up so you can hardly breathe while I put the butt plug in where it’s supposed to go and then I make you read a clickbait story about what actually happens when a car runs over banana peels like in Mario Cart.
DM me. It’s gonna be lit!
