THE EYES HAVE IT

LASIK: A Visionary Vision for the Future of Your Vision

Tips that may help you enjoy, and possibly survive, your LASIK procedure

Clif Haley
The Haven
Published in
3 min readMar 1, 2023

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A 100% accurate depiction of LASIK surgery created with images from Dreamstime.com

If you’ve been thinking about getting LASIK eye surgery to correct your vision but are nervous about the procedure, don’t worry. There is really nothing to fear. LASIK is an extremely efficient and simple procedure that merely involves strapping your head down to a table in a darkened room and then efficiently and simply shaving off your corneas with high-powered laser beams. The same type of high-powered laser beams used by other trusted professional organizations like NORAD to melt sidewinder missiles out of the sky. So, rest assured, you’ll have the best technology available aimed directly at your face.

Nevertheless, here are a few tips that may help you enjoy, and possibly survive, your LASIK procedure.

Choose a Reputable LASIK Clinic

One initial indicator as to whether or not a clinic is good is its name. For example, Dr. Johnathan Wang’s Vision Perfection Institute would likely be a good clinic, whereas Lenny’s LASIK & Five Minute Oil Change might be of somewhat lower quality.

You should also check out a clinic’s online reviews and schedule a tour of their facility. Some things you might look out for are:

GOOD THINGS

  • The facility is clean and well-maintained
  • The staff are friendly and professional
  • The patients appear happy and at-ease
  • Their online reviews use words like “awesome”, “painless”, or “efficient and simple”

BAD THINGS

  • The facility is littered in rat droppings
  • Blood curdling screams can be heard beyond several closed doors
  • There’s a bucket full of eyeballs in the corner with “Oops” written on it.
  • Their online reviews use words like “maimed”, “disfigured”, or “My Aunt Judy is having to type this for me”

Affording Your LASIK Procedure

These days, LASIK is very affordable for most people. Sure, when LASIK first became available it was so expensive that only the world’s elite could afford it. It was quite common back then to be driving past a LASIK clinic and see a limousine or a yacht sitting in the patient parking lot, but these days the cost of LASIK has dropped so much that it’s quite common to see lower-class vehicles in the patient parking lot, like BMW’s and Land Rovers.

If you are unable to pay in full, the LASIK clinic will likely offer a payment plan option. For example, you might be able to pay 20% upfront to have your corneas seared off with laser beams on the first day, then pay the remaining 80% the following month, when you will then be allowed to take your new-and-improved corneas home in an attractive canvas tote bag with instructions on how to re-attach them.

Post-Surgery Care for Your Improved Eyes

After surgery, your eyes will require a special regimen of care for anywhere from 3 months to 15 years, depending on how paranoid about losing your eyesight the post-care LASIK professional made you feel before you left the clinic.

You’ll want to follow these key steps to ensure your eyes fully recover instead of shriveling up like roadkill in Summer and rolling right out of your face:

  1. Keep your eyes closed for at least 24 hours after the procedure. This can be tough to do, especially on the drive home from the clinic, but what are 10 to 20 fender benders compared to healthy eyesight?
  2. Wear sunglasses. This is the fun “rockstar” phase of your recovery because you’ll have to wear sunglasses at all times, including indoors, like a pompous, self-indulgent attention whore.
  3. Do not stare directly into the sun. Honestly, you should never have been doing this. If you were doing this before getting LASIK, it might be the reason you needed LASIK in the first place.
  4. Keep your eyes moist by using eye drops. Keep your eyes well-hydrated by using individually sealed, sterile, very expensive eye drops. Continue using these very expensive eye drops until your eyes are fully healed, or you’ve gone bankrupt.

In conclusion, I would like to add that now I have to go. Aunt Judy says she’s getting tired of typing all of this for me.

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Clif Haley
The Haven

Sometimes Clif eats pizza with a fork, but usually not. He has somehow managed to get published in MuddyUm, The Haven, & Doctor Funny.