Laundry Day: The Final Chapter
She wasn’t saved, but it was God’s will.
The Death of Patty
Patty tripped over an opened Amazon box that was hiding under the clean pile. It contained her new barbecue set that was a gift from her mother. She was fatally skewered as she unceremoniously bounced down the stairs. She wasn’t saved, but it was God’s will.
We see through a glass darkly. 1 Corinthians 13:12
Post Mortem Patty
The health department came to Patty’s house to conduct a “wellness check” three weeks later. The neighbors had complained when the stench became overwhelming and the mail hadn’t been gathered for weeks. The putrid odor was unusual, even for Patty, who rarely took the garbage out or picked up her mail.
The scene was gruesome. Patches of clothes were stuck to her by death ooze, while other spots appeared to have rotted away. It was hard to tell. Photographs were taken of the decomposed rigid body. She was precariously placed on a gurney, covered and hauled out.
Gawking neighbors loudly gasped and groaned when they saw her body after the sheet slid off. A child pointed and cried out, “She’s crooked.” Her body was contorted in a shape that would defy a pretzel maker.
Patty’s Mother Gets the Gruesome News
Patty’s mother, Janet McCormick, was disheveled and still in pajamas when she answered the knock on the door by two men from the coroner’s office.
“Good morning, ma’am. I am Al Tolliver and this is Hank Carruthers. We are from the…”
“Which one is it this time,” she asked as she blew smoke sideways, “Haley or Patty?”
“Um ma’am, we are from the coroner’s office. We are sorry to tell you ma’am, but there has been a rather unusual accident and your daughter, uh, let me see, oh yes, it’s Patty. Patty is dead.”
“WHAT, MY PATTY DEAD? I bet it had something to do with that fucking laundry of hers. Big piles, all over, big moldy piles! I always warned her.” She crushed a cigarette on the sidewalk as smoke drifted out of her mouth.
“Shit, shit, shit,” she said, “Now I have to tell her bitch sister. What a fucking nut-job.”
We’re sorry ma’am, but yes it appears that the laundry was involved. We think she tripped over a set of barbecue utensils mixed in with clothes”, Al explained. He went on.
“She took quite a tumble down the stairs and was impaled on the fork. You know, the really long kind. They are good for reaching and spearing.”
“WHAT? I gave her that stuff and a barbecue. There was no getting her out of that damn laundry-ridden apartment. I thought she could barbeque and venture out in the backyard.”
“She ventured down the stairs, ma’am. The fork went cleeean through, cleeean through. It was fast.”
‘No, it…,” Hank blurted.
“He means there was NO desperate attempts to pull it out, NO writhing in pain, NO deathly screams,” said Al.
Hank took over. “We need you a relative or even a close friend to give her, I mean us, a positive ID.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know the drill. What do think, I just dropped off the turnip truck? I watch Law & Order, you know.”
Janet McCormick shoved her pajama top into her sweats, threw on a windbreaker, dragged stubby fingers through her hair and declared herself ready. She puffed her way to the car, sat down and emptied the car ashtray just as a gust of wind hit. Ash and nicotine-stained filters blew out and swirled in the street along with crispy fall leaves. Janet ran over them and sped to the morgue.
Janet called Patty’s sister, Haley.
Haley answered. “Yeah, Ma. What has she done now?”
“Your dumb ass sister is dead. She tripped over her laundry and was skewered by a barbecue fork. Go figure. Get your holy-roller ass to the morgue.”
Haley chose to misquote scripture, as she so often did when Patty’s name was mentioned.
“The wicked will perish: The Lord’s enemies will be stuck like pigs with the longest and sharpest utensils on earth.”
Janet and Haley Go to the Morgue
Janet and Haley peered at Patty through a thick glass window and rendered a positive ID.
“Yeah, that’s the dumb ass,” said Janet.
Haley concurred. “That’s her, but I can’t understand why she insisted on wearing teal. It makes her look…”
“SHE’S DEAD YOU DUFUS.”
It was scary for Janet to realize that her so-called responsible daughter was also the idiot child. Strangely, she did have a good fashion sense, unlike the rest of the family.
The attendant pulled the sheet over Patty’s head.
The Tongue Worshipper: Haley’s Back Story
Haley McCormick was saved. She is an elite Christian, unlike the cretin Christians who fill churches every Sunday. She worked her way up and out of the insipid Methodist church. Haley was believer’s believer. She also held an MA in theater arts, which came in handy when speaking in tongues. She put on a holy pornographic show. She snapped her head back, fell safely to the floor, and gently convulsed while speaking directly to God. The parishioners including the women, pretended to be aghast, but were sexually stimulated by her writhing body and low groan-like utterances meant only for God. Her arms shot straight up, her chest heaved rapidly and her gold cross glistened with sweat as it nestled in her cleavage.
“Puh-raaaise God-uh. Puh-raise Jeeesus,” moaned the self-hypnotized parishioners.
Numerous others joined in, but no one came close to Janet’s orgasmic worship style.
It was church-sanctioned, tongue-wagging Jesus porn. God, the Supreme Peeping Tom, and his doltish son, Jesus, were delighted to see their flock in such rare form.
Patty’s Apartment
After getting lost, then stuck in traffic for forty-five minutes, Janet and Haley arrived at Patty’s apartment building. Apartment number one was that of the manager. He quickly buzzed them in and met them outside his door.
The manager was an odd-looking little man reminiscent of Truman Capote. He straightened his bowtie and offered his condolences, “Oh, I am sooo sorry for your tragic loss of such a lovely woman,” he lisped. “She was a valu…”
He was cut off by a smoke-blowing Janet.
“Just give us the key, little man.” He did. But not before jabbing Janet about her pajama top. “Lovely top, sleeping beauty.”
They were afraid of what they might find behind Patty’s door and of what type of alien laundry-creature might pop out at them. Haley slowly opened the door as Janet cowered behind her. She held her breath and ran to open the window.
Janet had a fleeting thought of closing and leaning on the door in order to trap Haley. She was not Janet’s favorite, but, then again, neither was Patty. This thought made her laugh as she pictured Haley begging and making insane promises to Jesus for her release. The fantasy ended abruptly as Haley burst out with a few trinkets and clothes.
Back to the Cleaners
Janet found a space in the strip mall close to the cleaners. She opened the car door just wide enough to dump the car ashtray.
“You go, I’m not moving,” she said to Haley. “All this Patty shit is exhausting. I going to relax and have a smoke.”
Haley took a dim view of Janet’s smoking. Janet knew this and had made a point of lighting up before Haley could gather the clothes and get out. Smoke billowed around her head as she gave Haley a sarcastic thumbs up.
Haley was wearing a low-cut blouse with her gold cross gently nestling in her cleavage. Her eyes immediately connected with the little snot at the counter. She leaned slightly forward to read his name tag: Corey.
His eyes followed the gold cross as it swayed towards him.
“You a Christian?” he asked, glancing up from the cross.
“Born again. I have the gift of tongues,” she seductively oozed.
“I-I-I ha-have it too,” he stuttered.
“Ooooh, Jesus killed my sister, Patty, just for us. He made it so I would have to come here to get her old clothes dry cleaned and meet you! Praise the Lord”
Vanilla Sex: Jesus Yawned
Haley quickly swung her body up and over the counter. They erupted into a frenzy of thrusting and tongue-speaking.
The laundry lovers continued on the floor behind the counter with the cross haphazardly bouncing between them.
“Puh-puh-puh praaaise Jeeesus,” they cried out. “Puh-puh-puh…puh-puh-puh.”
Janet choked halfway through what would have been a deep drag on her cigarette when she saw the dry cleaners blow.
The insipid lovers had been incinerated. The chemicals caused the fire to burn excessively hot and it roared through the lint-ridden building in seconds. God couldn’t tolerate the uninspired contortions of the pathetic pair.
Boring fornicators shall perish. Acts 1:69
