Leaked Memo from Santa Re: Layoffs
TO: All North Pole Team Members
FROM: Santa
SUBJ: Sad Tidings/Restructuring
Ho Ho Ho –
In order to put to rest the many rumors circulating across the workshop, it is with a non-jolly heart that I hit send on this unmerry message to you all today.
Effective immediately, I am instituting significant cuts across all divisions. Each elf will meet with their supervisor this morning to learn specifics about status, NDAs, badge surrender, severance etc. I know many of you will have questions or simply a need to high-pitch vent and so there will convene a company-wide meeting in the Crypto.com IceDome from 11:00–11:25 a.m. I so wish I could join but, alas, I am swamped with final week preparations for Christmas Eve.
More will be shared at the all-hands, but here are just a few examples of the headwinds that have forced my hand:
Gift Cards: Whether it is exhausted parents, disengaged aunts and uncles or grandparents with zero idea what is even remotely cool, everybody is throwing up their hands and giving kids gift cards “from Santa.” In Q3 we ran a test simulation of sleigh loading and it turns out I could have fit the entire cargo in my Hummer and just driven around. It makes zero logistical or fiscal sense to fly all over the place just to toss credit card-sized envelopes or online codes under a tree when I can just text the deets.
Safety: Ever since NORAD started ratting our precise location, I have experienced an uptick in potentially tragic incidents both accidental and malicious. Between defectives with laser pointers to aggro-creeps trying to take me down with their drones, it is just flat-out terrifying out there. And don’t even get me started about Ring doorbell cameras broadcasting what loot I am hauling at any given moment and where.
Letters to Santa Efficiencies: No child has penned a physical snail-mail letter to me since 2018. Everything is arriving via email and online portals. We explored upgrading North Pole infrastructure but between equipment and forecasted costs to upskill the existing aging elfin workforce, the costs proved prohibitive.
Accordingly I have outsourced all e-activity to an internet farm/call center complex in Mumbai, India. I have personally reviewed the results of testing there and each “Steven,” “Wendell,” “Karen,” and “Amy” seem more than up to the task at a fraction of the cost of handling this service in-house.
Chimney Deficit: It is damn near impossible to do my basic job when I can’t access family Christmas trees. Going floor-by-floor and unit-by-unit in all of these condo complexes and high-rises is a holly jolly pain in the you know where.
My Personal Health: Most of you have heard about my little health scare last February while post-12/24 decompressing in the BVIs. Since then, Santa has been taking better care of himself including shedding some of this jelly belly of mine. Hopefully, you will understand why, Ozempic and all, it is important to my self-care to not spend a night resisting millions of cookies and mince pies.
The world of children’s gift receiving is ever-evolving and together we have always managed to soar with the changes. For centuries, from hoop & stick game to those creepy Furby things, we have answered the call and made Christmas mornings magical. But alas, we have crunched the numbers and there are far safer and more efficient ways to fulfil my duty than loading up a nearly empty, flying reindeer-powered sleigh and circumnavigating this dangerous and inconvenient to Santa globe in a single evening.
I wish I had more than this cost-cutting coal for your stockings this year. But, as they song goes, you better not cry or pout and you better be good for goodness sake (and because of your NDAs).
Happy Christmas to all and to all a goodnight,
S. Claus
President & CEO
