Leaked RNC Memo Reveals Kamala Messaging Crisis
URGENT: Yet Another Shift in Our Kamala Harris Messaging
TO: All RNC Communications Leads, Hired Talking Heads, Elon & Evangelicals
FROM: Lara Trump, Co-Chair of the RNC, Daughter-In-Law of President Donald J. Trump
RE: Kamala Messaging Going Forward (Version 12.0)
Okay, so I know it has been a tricky few days since “Crooked” Joe Biden and the “Radical Dangerous Dumbocrats,” decided to make “Laughing” Kamala Harris their apparent “nominee.” As you are painfully well-aware we have already tried several messaging themes to curb this latest threat to democracy and tax cuts for the wealthy and each of us (redundant I know). Just to refresh, following is a quick sampling of some swings and misses on the messaging front since Biden somehow surprised us all with his announcement along with what we believe ultimately sabotaged the effectiveness of each:
· No fair! — Turns out it is fair
· Isn’t this illegal? — It is not
· She’s a DEI hire — We were really hopeful about this one but someone in research tells us that the Vice President is actually an accomplished attorney, provenly effective prosecutor and has been elected both attorney general of the most populous state in the country and was, in fact, recently elected Vice President of the United States. Seriously, that last one was right there in her title. Not sure how we all missed that one. As First Lady (and my mother-in-law) Melania Trump might say — we need to be best(er)
· She doesn’t have biological children — Apparently the presence of Don Jr. and Eric turn this into an attribute to the average voter
· Seriously, this can’t be fair! I know, right? But it is what it is
· She failed to curb the immigration crisis! — This one also looked like a winner until that same damn research guy pointed out that President Donald J. Trump actually sabotaged a comprehensive bipartisan immigration package so that he could use it as a campaign issue which, upon reflection is like an insurance salesman setting your house on fire and then trying to sell you a policy
· The “Devious Dems” Just Pulled off a Coup — Focus group feedback is strongly suggesting we should not be the ones to bring up the subject of coups
I could go on but I know we all want to get our marching orders before my daily 5 p.m. mandatory attendance cabaret show in the atrium. Therefore, it has been determined that the time is right to break the emergency glass and play the ultimate anti-Kamala disqualifier card. This comes straight from the top if you KWIM. You may have even seen campaign adviser/minister of propaganda/stud-muffin Jason Miller trial balloon this sure-fire winner on Sunday. That’s right, no more holding back. We are going to let all Americans know that Kamala hates plastic straws and has openly mused about banning them (Booooo). Accordingly, going forward:
· We will introduce Sippy, a costumed actor dressed up like a red, white & blue striped plastic straw. Sippy will be visible at every, single “Cardboard Lovin’” Kamala campaign event — perhaps sporting a shirt that reads “Kamala wants to abort me”
· Trump-branded plastic straws should be manufactured and added to our merch store ASAP
· Explore whether straws in shape of a giant “T” can actually deliver liquid
· Encourage Trump-friendly bars/taverns to add “Trump Tiki Bowls™️” to menus as reminder that plastic straws rock! The more straws, the merrier!
· Promote “Tiki Time with Trumps™️” fundraisers where high dollar contributions give donors an opportunity to share Trump Tiki Bowls with various Trump family members. We can have tiers to determine which Trump you get, starting with Tiffany and working upwards.
· Appeal to the ladies and youth vote by having veep nominee J.D. Vance sip Diet Mountain Dew out of the can using “T” straws and then toss straw into campaign crowd like a cool drummer tossing his sticks. Note: someone make sure JD does not toss directly to campaign-paid attendees but also make sure paid youth and female crowd members squeal and faux-jockey for straws.
· Who are the straw/plastic billionaires? Let’s hit them up
· We all know how much our supporters love to chant. Let’s brainstorm some straw-related ditties. I’ll start: “Paper sucks. Straws should be plastic. Donald Trump is fantastic!”. Meh — consider as a placeholder for now.
Of course, it goes without saying that everyone should keep mispronouncing Kamala’s name. We have some fabulous door prizes available for any new variations that get on-air.
I feel really good about this one. And I’m totally not just grasping. Hah-hah. Okay, see everyone at 5 p.m. sharp!
Lara T!
