The Haven
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The Haven

Leave Your Smiles Behind and Join the Pessimists’ Cruise!

Partial sun, sea, and all the gripes you can chew on

Photo by shawn henry on Unsplash

Still reeling from the COVID-19 pandemic’s devastating impact on their businesses, cruise lines are steaming full ahead on efforts to revive the industry this summer with innovative new offerings.

Near Miss Cruise Lines has announced the launch of its Pessimists’ Cruise for people who love to gripe endlessly when on vacation. The idea, says the company, is to give complainers what they enjoy: grievances to rant about.

The package includes flights from and to the most depressing airports in the US, and transportation by unreliable bus to an abandoned coal jetty in Perth Amboy, New Jersey. There, passengers join the rust bucket cruise ship, Toxic Sun. After being processed by rude staff, the worrywart cruisers are shoved aboard the vessel by a scurvy crew.

As soon as they board the ship, passengers are neglected and given misleading directions.

The cabins are cramped and fitted with drafty portholes, noisy air vents, and a toilet that flushes every six minutes. Deluxe accommodation also comes with noisy neighbors. Personal attendants assigned to each cabin have hygiene issues and several very irritating habits.

The ship purposely sails through bad weather and is equipped with anti-stabilizers that induce a sickening rolling motion. The queasiness that every grumpy passenger loves to complain about is helped by a food menu rich in grease and leftovers from previous cruises.

Near Miss Cruise Lines has created an onboard entertainment program geared to morosity. It includes unfunny comedians, the New Hamburg Yodeling Ensemble, and tedious deck games run by really annoying staff members.

The cruise’s award-losing port itinerary is sure to impress even the most hardened doom merchant. Toxic Sun calls at a deserted island that is reputed to have been used to test nerve gas during the Cold War, and a mystery, downtrodden tourist trap that has never seen better days.

So far, demand for the cruise has been encouraging, says Near Miss Cruise Lines, it is developing more packages of this type. The company is reportedly looking for another derelict hulk to add to its fleet.

K. B. Cottrill writes fiction, non-fictions, and things in-between. Ken@cottrillcom.com.

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K. B. Cottrill

K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.