Satire

Letter From The Guy Hiding In The Bushes

I have been as proactive in flattening my weight curve as Donald Jibberish Trump

Hey, I’m Fred. Don’t know if you’ve ever noticed me but I am the guy who has been hiding in the bushes outside your building every morning for the past month to see you come in for work. Why do I hide behind bushes and don’t come out in the open? They hide my awfully big belly which has been growing exponentially since the lockdown and unfortunately I have been as proactive in flattening the curve as Donald Jibberish Trump.( I also believed that if I stopped ‘testing’ my weight the problem would be over.) But now I finally have a purpose to get in shape. To win you over! I have this strict diet in place which allows only one cheat day per week. I believe in the Scandinavian 4 day week though.

After I get in shape, I shall emerge out of this self imposed exile in the bushes and reveal my changed self to you. This hiding and sneaking has made me over secretive though. I entered my own house through the back door and the neighbors called the cops suspecting a break in. I had lost a lot of pounds and so the cops refused to accept that it was my portrait that hung in the hall. I gulped down a entire burger in under 60 seconds to make them believe that I indeed had the abusive relationship with food that my portrait encapsulated.

Hiding in bushes also made me realize that we seriously lack the required no of public toilets. I got peed on about a dozen times. My spirit would have broken down if it were not for my bush partner Billy. Billy has been in the bushes for years. He told me that the trick was to make yourself believe that it was maple syrup. So, everytime a guy came to pee Billy just took out the waffles stuffed in his pockets and went to town on the great combo. His Churchillian optimism in the face of Grave odds gave me implacable strength and so the French Republic and British Empire stood their ground against the monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark and lamentable catalogue of Human Crime.

Hope you can wait a few months for me to get Ripped.

Love Fred