Licegate
Finally, an answer to the question “what would happen if Ivanka got lice?”
A tweet pinned to the top of Junior’s Twitter page says, “Life is hard; it’s even harder when you’re stupid.” And Junior should know. Some of his colleagues on the Trump campaign mocked him as “Fredo,” the weak son in “The Godfather.” — The Chicago Tribune
“I look at my brothers and myself and I’m, like, really proud of the fact that nobody’s, like, totally f — ed up. Nobody’s a drug addict, nobody’s driving around chasing women, snorting coke. There’s something amazing about that. And you know, this isn’t to pat myself on the back, but I could be a lot worse,” Ivanka Trump, GQ in 2007
“Dad?”
“Close, it’s DJ. One sec, we’re freebasing Brazilian BBQ.”
“It’s 10 am.”
“Pops had an urge. Mmmmff. Ahhhmmm. Uhhmmmmm. Meatnessh.”
“Look, I need to talk to him.”
“Why? What’s up?”
“Just put dad on. Please.”
“Hey, no time for your big bro? Some wisdom from the alpha. You talking policy? Try me.”
“Fredo, I don’t have time.”
“Ha. ‘L-O-L.’ I’ve seen the movie. Still don’t get it. It’s not like I even look like him.”
“Seriously, it’s really important.”
“It’s important. You’re important. I’m important. He’s doing stuff. Give me the cliff notes.”
“He’s watching TV.”
“Maybe.”
“This is highly sensitive, for his ears only.”
“I know from discretion.”
“.”
“Come on! Where’s the old I vanna have fun? Don’t go all Vankinator on me.”
“It’s a brief he needs to hear, right now. Can you please put him on.”
“Is it a makeup thing?”
“No, not this time. Argh, OK, I can’t believe I’m doing this. My head felt itchy, and I thought it was psychosomatic, like the other ticks Dr. Schmidt says are from ‘value misalignment’.”
“You mean that weird upper lip move you do? Thought it was a botox thing.”
“Lice. I have lice.”
“Whoa.”
“Yes.”
“That’s way off brand.”
“You don’t have to tell me.”
“Like Tracy Chapman reading Guns & Ammo off.”
“Thanks, that’s super helpful.”
“Or dad reading off.”
“Yes. It’s horrible, revolting, potentially disastrous. I’m clearly in shock. It’s the only reason we’re sill talking.
“Have you tried napalm?”
“You don’t know what napalm is, do you?”
“Why don’t you talk to Jared?”
“And watch him walk? This could jeopardize everything we’ve built. Plus, he’s packing. I can’t talk to him when he’s packing.”
“How ‘bout Barron?”
“He’s eleven.”
“Kid seems sharp. I run stuff by him.”
“He’s eleven.”
“OK, he does have that look that screams lunch money, but could be worth a try.”
“I’m not talking to Barron. And don’t even go there.”
“So she stole your sunglasses. A few times.”
“Every time. It’s pathological.”
“Do like a good princess and let it go. Anyways, what are you really worried about? Just make it disappear.”
“Fredo, there are witnesses — nurses, an anesthesiologist, other doctors, my trainer, two stylists, four lawyers -”
“Use the magic words.”
“Dad’s the only one allowed to use ‘fake news’, remember? We overuse it and the magic leaves. That’s what the witches on the hilltop said.”
“Didn’t we get vaccinated for lice? We’re — you know — immune. How could you get them?”
“Traveling. The Olympics maybe. I was hugging people. Some kids, women. Kind of.”
“I wanted to go to the Olympics! How come you got to go?”
“You don’t do foreign, remember.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Were they wrapped?”
“Wrapped?”
“People. On their head. The wrap thing they do. Scarves.”
“Hijabs? Maybe. A couple. They won some things. Some were in charge.”
“Are you friggin’ nuts! Hugging the scarf people?! Of course you’re gonna get something! Did you have a full scan?”
“A hijab would actually stop the spread of lice.”
“So you’re protecting them now?”
“Fredo, I’m the rabbit’s foot, me! The redeemer, the one invited to the room, the one standing between us and the last 37%. If I have a problem, we all have a problem. I — “
“Hi hotness, it’s daddy-o.”
“Dad! Hi. You’ve been on the whole time?”
“Maybe.”
“Dad, I need to tell you something. Something important. Something I never thought could happen.”
“Yeah, me too. You’re fired.”
