Lies Students Tell — Advice for New Professors
As an English lecturer I have papers due all the time. I tell students to be prepared, on the day their big assignment is due, a lot of their grandparents might get sick or even die. Not their parents, luckily. Students love their parents and are afraid to lie about them being sick. But students don’t really love their grandparents that much — maybe it’s the old person smell? Whatever the reason, they’re perfectly willing to give them heart attacks, strokes or even have them die in imaginary train accidents.
Here’s a rundown on what to do to not fall victim to student fabulism:
MY GRANDPA DIED
Demand to see the grandparent’s death certificate. Not a photocopy or a fax, that’s too easy to forge — you need the original. Also, demand to see tears. If grandpa is dead, why are your eyes so dry? Finally, ask the student to call the dead grandparent’s spouse on the phone so that you may express your condolences to the new widow/widower. You will see a look of alarm and disbelief as the student’s eyes bulge. Simply respond, “No, I’m not kidding.”
I GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT
I’ve noticed lately that students embellish this bullshit with a series of photos they text me of a slightly damaged vehicle. I wonder, how can I be sure that this is their fender-bendered car in the…
