Life’s A Pitch!
Hands up, if like me, you love music.
Oh, Kay. I were hoping for a strong 110%, but I’ll take a strong 83.5%.
OK. 82%.
So, where does music come from?
It comes from music makers you numpty.
Although perhaps the question should be, how do we hear music?
1st Person: Spotify.
Me: Mmm, someone’s showing their age eh?
Alternatively, you may hear music on the radio.
1st Person: Mmm, someone’s showing their age eh?
However, music isn’t just given to us by the music fairy, it’s often distilled to us by record labels.
Big Daddy Kane once rapped, “How’d You Get A Record Deal?”
So, how do folks get a record deal? Well, someone pitches an artist to a label boss.
What is a pitch?
“Pitch is a perceptual property of sounds that allows their ordering on a frequency-related scale ….” — Wikipedia
Actually, not that kinda pitch, however this one is still music related.
Typically an A&R (artists and repertoire) representative will make a pitch that an artist is worth signing.
Let’s have a look at how some famous, and not so famous, artists were pitched.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Adele
A&R Rep: Simply… Dusty.
Label Boss: And….
A&R Rep: That’s it. Simply… Dusty. As in Dusty….
Label Boss: I know which Dusty! Behave!
A&R Rep: How did you know?
Label Boss: Know what?
A&R Rep: About the beehive?
Label Boss: What on earth are you talking about?
A&R Rep: Nevermind.
Label Boss: Anyway, does this Adele do the hand gestures?
A&R Rep: Fuck yeah.
Gaye Su Akyol
A&R Rep: A psychedelic Turkish Kasabian.
Label Boss: …Mmm. Foxy lady.
A&R Rep: Kinda sexist boss.
Label Boss: No no no. Kasabian are from Leicester and are big Leicester City fans….
A&R Rep: It’s Leicester boss. There’s literally nothing better to do.
Label Boss: So, the football club’s nickname is The Foxes. Jimi Hendrix was known for being Psychedelic. One of Jimi’s most famous songs is ‘Foxy…’
A&R Rep: Boss, if you’ve gotta explain, then it probably was sexist.
Linkin Park
A&R Rep: A cross between Will Smith….
A&R Rep: The Backstreet Boys….
A&R Rep: And Alice In Chains….
A&R Rep: But with loads of angst.
Label Boss: I hope that angst isn’t a sign of something more serious.
A&R Rep: I doubt it. Even if it is, we’re the music biz boss. We look after our assets.
Atarashii Gakko!
A&R Rep: Imagine a Babes In Toyland without guitars.
A&R Rep: Except there’s 4 of them instead of 3, and they’re Japanese.
Label Boss: So….
A&R Rep: Also they’re all about dance choreography.
Label Boss: So….
A&R Rep: Also they like to dress exactly the same.
Label Boss: So….
A&R Rep: Just watch the vid boss.
Yugen Blakrok
A&R Rep: If Kool Keith were actually cool, and not a sexist rapper.
Label Boss [giggling]: Apparently it’s a cultural thing.
A&R Rep [giggling]: Yeah, a cultural thing.
Label Boss: Coincidentally, I was listening to a Hip Hop classic the other day, Vanilla Ice’s….
A&R Rep: Please don’t embarrass yourself boss.
Morrissey
A&R Rep: The lead singer of The Smiths is bound to go solo.
Label Boss: The who?
A&R Rep: Wrong band boss. Anyway, imagine a less miserable Müslüm Gürses.
Label Boss: Who?
A&R Rep: Don’t worry, I’ve a vid….
Label Boss: Why won’t it play?
A&R Rep: You have to watch it on YouTube boss.
Beyoncé
A&R Rep: And lo it will come to pass that a child of destiny will emerge as queen and everyone will fall crazy in love with her….
Label Boss: You been daytime drinking again?
A&R Rep: Sorry boss. So, we’ve Diana Rossed Beyoncé, got her in a group with lasses less talented than her, so she can go solo and be, the next Tina Turner…..
A&R Rep: ….But with wider appeal.
Label Boss: Tina Turner does have wide appeal.
A&R Rep: Not as wide as it could be.
Label Boss: How’d you mean?
A&R Rep: No disrespect to Teen, but her fanbase does seem to be mainly, White women of a certain age.
RUN DMC
A&R Rep: Morecambe & Wise.
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