Lindsey Graham’s Patented Brown Nose Whitener®
And other new products for MAGA minions.
Blake Masters, the Republican who lost the midterm election for Arizona senator, is trying to monetize his fame before it evaporates. He’s selling a mouthwash which he claims will eliminate woke mouth odors. The product, however, seems dead on arrival. As was almost the blond infomercial model he breathed on after gargling the stuff. True, it’s industrial-strength swish. But it couldn’t eliminate the stench in Blake’s mouth after spewing MAGA sewage throughout his campaign.
Mr. Masters is just one of the Republicans who are in a mad scramble to salvage something from their election debacles.
Another is Dr. Mehmet Oz. During his senate campaign in Pennsylvania, Dr. Oz was asked whether abortion should be banned in the United States. His response: “I don’t want the federal government involved…I want women, doctors, local political leaders” to make that decision¹. This week, Dr. Oz used that as the basis for a new business venture: Dr. Oz Health Insurance®. What makes it unique? His insurance is available only to women. It pays for surgeries, treatments, and drugs. But only if a township supervisor, school board member, county drain commissioner, or village dog catcher agrees the woman needs them.
Tudor Dixon, failed gubernatorial candidate for Michigan, is also marketing a health insurance. Hers covers women only if their lives are in danger. “I’ve made it very clear [that] health of the mother and life of the mother are two different things”², she said. “My only exception is to protect the LIFE of the mother”³. Therefore, her insurance pays for medical services only if the policy holder is in dire straits. Which is to say, a Death Certificate has been drafted, it lists the cause of death, and lacks only the woman’s expiration date.
Retired General Don Bolduc, who lost the senate race in New Hampshire, sells cat supplies for school-age children. There’s a demand for them. According to the general, “We have furries and fuzzies in classrooms. They lick themselves, they’re cats.”⁴ So he offers litter boxes. They’re self-cleaning. “After all,” said the general, “We should drain the swamp, not scoop the litter box.” The litters are made from charcoal, “because Black Litters Matter.” They neutralize odors, “so there’s no mask mandate when you use them.”
After losing the race for Pennsylvania governor, Doug Mastriano tried to sell menstrual pads. Not because he respects a woman’s right to make decisions about her health care. On the contrary, during his campaign, he asserted that women who have abortions should be charged with murder⁵. No, Mr. Mastriano just likes alliteration. He likes the sound of Mastriano’s MAGA Menstrual Pads®. Thus far, he’s the only one. Based on recent sales figures, women don’t want anything with Mr. Mastriano’s name on it anywhere near their vajayjays.
For her product, Kari Lake, the ex-TV news anchor who lost the race for Arizona governor, is offering a new version of herself: MAGA momma grizzly. True, there’s only one, and Sarah Palin is it. But Ms. Lake is determined to replace her.
She’s more qualified. Ms. Palin was elected governor of Alaska, then resigned halfway through her term. Ms. Lake took a more direct approach: she blew the election, and was therefore able to skip getting the job and quitting it. Ms. Lake is fifty-three; Ms. Palin is fifty-eight. That makes Ms. Lake a MAGA MILF, and Ms. Palin just a MAGA GILF.
Ms. Lake still needs to satisfy certain requirements. The reality show prerequisite: Ms. Palin did a nine-episode show called Sarah Palin’s Alaska; Ms. Lake is planning a series called Kari Lake’s Arizona. The memoir precondition: Ms. Palin had a ghostwriter write Going Rogue, about her time in politics; Ms. Lake is interviewing ghostwriters for Going Rouge, about her years on TV.
Unfortunately, Ms. Lake failed her first test: performing on The Masked Singer. Ms. Palin dazzled the judges in 2019 when she rapped “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot. Ms. Lake aimed to do the same on the show taped November 16th. She told the judges her name was Kari da Antifa Thugga. She dressed the way she assumes a Black Lives Matter protester looks when they visit an American heartland town to incite violence. And like Ms. Palin, she chose a rap by Sir Mix-A-Lot: “You Can Have Her.”
Her performance was an epic fail. She rapped too fast through “I used to have this girl, let’s say her name was Mona. Mona, fine young sugar comin’ out of Arizona.” She mumbled “I gotta do what I gotta do. Baby girl’s through, so I need somethin’ new.” She flubbed “I smack her to the front, I smack her to the back, I smack it with the whiffle ball bat, remember that?” Her hip-hop dance had neither hip nor hop. Her cornrows were so tight, they pulled her eyebrows up to her forehead.
The judges couldn’t contain themselves. Nichole Scherzinger laughed so hard, she wet herself. Robin Thicke simultaneously snorted and cut a bark fart. Jenny McCarthy belly laughed so big, her bosoms burst out of her dress and knocked Ken Jeong off his chair.
Republican election losers aren’t the only ones marketing products to MAGA minions. J. D. Vance, the senator-elect for Ohio, has taken advantage of an opportunity created by Trump. During a rally, with Vance on stage next to him, Trump said “J. D. is kissing my ass, he wants my support so much.”⁶ Far from being humiliated, Mr. Vance is hawking a product called AssStick®. It’s like ChapStick®, only it keeps one’s lips from chafing after snogging Trump’s ass.
Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina is getting a piece of the action. He’s marketing knee pads to MAGA sycophants. According to the senator, “An audience with Trump is more demanding than one with the Pope. When Donald drops his drawers in the throne room at Mar-a-Lago, you need to drop, pucker, lip-lock his ass, and hold it ’til he gives you permission to unpucker. That’s when you’ll be glad to have my knee pads. They have carbon fiber shells and foam inserts. You canoodle Trump’s ass in comfort for hours. I should know: I’ve got over a thousand hours of ass-kissing on my current pair.”
Senator Graham also advised MAGA minions to buy his Brown Nose Whitener®. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come with a guarantee. “If your schnoz has been up Trump’s ass as long as mine has,” said the senator, “there’s no way you can ever remove the stain.”
[1]: “Dr. Oz Says Abortion Should Be Between ‘Women, Doctors, Local Political Leaders’ in Senate Debate”, People, https://people.com/politics/dr-oz-abortion-between-women-doctors-local-political-leaders/
[2]: “Dixon opposes abortion for rape victims because there’s ‘healing through the baby’”, Michigan Advance, https://michiganadvance.com/2022/08/21/dixon-opposes-abortion-for-rape-victims-because-theres-healing-through-the-baby/
[3]: “GOP Gov Candidate Called Doctors’ Advice on Abortion the ‘Devil’s Lie’”, Vice, https://www.vice.com/en/article/dy75ya/tudor-dixon-abortion-michigan
[4]: “Here Is An Aspiring U.S. Senator with the World’s Worst Bullshit Detector”, Esquire, https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a41859184/don-bolduc-new-hampshire/
[5]: “In 2019, Doug Mastriano said women who violated his abortion ban should be charged with murder”, Pennsylvania Capital-Star, https://www.penncapital-star.com/civil-rights-social-justice/in-2019-doug-mastriano-said-women-who-violated-his-abortion-ban-should-be-charged-with-murder/
[6]: “J.D. Vance’s Ambition Comes at a Price in ‘Hillbilly’ Terms”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/27/us/politics/jd-vance-trump-ohio.html
