Ryan Fan
Ryan Fan
Sep 16 · 2 min read
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Self-proclaimed Christian and 40-year old bachelor, Mark Hall, sits in service on Friday urging the value of abstinence in faith.

“I’m going to Heaven because I don’t have sex before marriage,” Hall screams to the congregation. “Paul preaches in Corinthians that sexual immorality is going to put you in hell.”

Hall’s zeal about abstinence has led him to speak at school assemblies about the perils of sex before marriage, and having volunteers pass out purity rings to all who take the abstinence pledge. He has even pioneered a task force at the local high school, for students to document peers who are suspected of having sex.

Hall has gathered members in his congregation to gather at areas where sex workers congregate, lambasting them for their sin. When interrogated by Pastor John about whether he was being too unforgiving and merciless, Hall was unrelenting.

“They are doing the devil’s work,” he said. “A real man of God would denounce these heathens immediately.”

At last Sunday’s service, Hall interrupted Pastor John’s sermon and shouted at him from the back of the room after Pastor John urged congregation members to love God and love others, telling him that no human being is pure. After Pastor John, a married man with two kids, admitted that he struggles with sexual temptation towards men, Hall made sure to yell homophobic slurs for ten consecutive minutes at the pastor.

“We need new leadership,” Hall said. “And I’m the only real Christian in the congregation.”

Congregation member, Joe Fisher, admitted fear of Hall and his zealotry. Fisher expressed exasperation at Hall’s influence within the church, and spoke to fears that other congregation members had in speaking out against Hall.

“Look, I don’t think any man of God should be calling another man a faggot,” Fisher said. “If he keeps this up, I’m just going to go to a different church.”

Hall has completely disregarded Joshua Harris, purity culture’s pioneer, and his 2018 statement reneging on values of purity and abstinence at the expense of loving others.

“He was right 20 years ago,” Hall said. “Now he’s gone to the devil and is going to burn in hell.”

Meanwhile, a couple miles above, God is shaking his head at Hall’s behavior, and has recently added Hall to His excel sheet titled “Hell”.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Ryan Fan

Written by

Ryan Fan

Believer, Baltimore City special ed teacher, and 2:40 marathon runner. Diehard fan of “The Wire,” God’s gift to the Earth. Emory University Class of 2019.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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