Local Patriot Loves America, Just Doesn’t Care Much For Its Water & People & Stuff

Part one of our “Voices of America” series

ADAMS, OH— Local resident Jim Schute is one of a dwindling number of Americans who approve of its current President, Donald Trump. Of the recent wiretapping non-scandal, he said he appreciated the President’s strategy.

“He’s just trying to shake things up in Washington, you know, really shake it all, and I think that’s a good thing, it’s what we really need as a country, because I like it when the federal government is in complete disarray — it makes me feel totally safe.”

When asked his opinions about the many major protests that have taken place since November, he threw up his hands. “Bunch of whiners, far as I’m concerned. Never saw my generation complain this much about anything. See, what happened was all these young liberals want clean water and health care — bunch of fusspots. I haven’t been to the doctor in ten years, you don’t see me complaining.” He then threw up his hands again, and his left hand tore at the wrist and flew right off his arm. “Yeah, that’s been acting up,” he said, and walked over to retrieve it.

Schute then politely excused himself from our interview, as he had tickets for his favorite Triple-A baseball team and wanted to start heading over to the stadium. “I just love that team,” he said. “Although I’m not a big fan of the mascot or the coaches or any of the players.”

Stay tuned for future installments of our “Voices of America” series.